Poker Face Failure
by RedneckGeek
Summary: My take on the "Mind Readers" clip. I was laughing really hard over it, and of course I have to go and twist into something really angsty. Now rated T due to language.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N Here's my take on the "Mind Readers" clip. I'm not sure how well I did with it, please leave a review on it. I have been stuck in a loop of writer's block right now, but did manage to get this out there. Don't worry I am still working on "Patience is a Virtue" just got to deal with some issues.**

**Disclaimer: Nothing in the bank account, so I don't own anything from NCIS LA**

"Did you hear that, Sam?" Callen just spoke over me. It was bad enough that two of them had decided to bother me when I needed to get some time to myself. Not hearing anything, no calls, no texts, no selfies, nothing from Kensi was grating on my nerves. But interrupting me was quickly pushing me past annoyance into flat out irritation.

"Oh yeah. That was cute." Sam responded immediately and my irritation level ticked one more step to DefCon4.

"What was cute?" I was trying to really keep my emotions from showing on my face, and to keep this conversation somewhat on the humorous side. I was failing miserably.

"He misses her." I just stared at Sam.

"Oh My God. Right. You're gathering that from what I just said."

"Yep," Callen just shook his head.

"Well, your intent was pretty clear to me," Sam just continued on matching me stare for stare.

"Look, it's not what you saying…."

"It's what you're not saying," Sam finished Callen's thought like the two of them were biological twins.

"Exactly," Callen just had to get the last word in.

"You know what?" I just threw both hands into the air, extremely frustrated. "I've always wondered what it would be like to have two older brothers… that I hated. Now I know."

"You know that statement does not help your chances with our approval of your thing with our little sister, right?" Callen just smirked, while Sam tried to scowl at me.

"Seriously guys, can we do this some other time? Like when Kens is actually back home safe and sound. Please?" Even to my own ears it sounded like whining. How much longer before I was begging?

"You doing it again," I swear the only facial expression Callen has is a smirk.

"Doing what again?" Honestly I was confused and irritated, and I was going to explode.

"Giving a tell. Like you fondling Kens' knife or whatever it is that's hanging around your neck through your shirt." Sam now had an amused glint in his eyes.

I looked down and sure enough my right hand was up just below the neckline of my shirt grasping the object on the end of the chain like it was a lifeline. I grinned sheepishly. Damn it, I worked very hard at not handling Kensi's knife around everybody since Nate had called me on it. Unfortunately my subconscious decided my body needed something else to touch all the time.

"So what is it? What else did Kensi leave you?" Callen's tone was gentle, which kind of surprised me. He was the one who seemed to hold the most issues with Kensi and I's thing. Well, outside of Granger, and Hetty's thoughts on it seemed to be a real mystery.

Realizing there was no going back as I took this step, I slowly pulled the chain from beneath my shirt to reveal the simple silver band hanging from it. I just wish had taken pictures of Sam and Callen's faces, because I am sure Kensi would have found it hilarious and she wouldn't kill me when she discovered what I just did.

"Since when do guys wear a promise ring?" Callen asked slowly.

"It's not a promise ring. It's a wedding band, dumb ass."

"What, when?" Sam was trying out for the world's largest fly trap if his mouth got any bigger.

"The night before the case with Thappa, and Kensi got sent off to God knows where. We eloped, and now you know why things were awkward between us that day."

Callen remained stoic, not showing a single thing in his face or eyes. Sam on the other hand, had a weird mixture of joy, worry and compassion practically glowing from his face. Cold dread seeped into the marrow of my bones and just stayed there.

"Well, little brother," Sam glanced at Callen before continuing. "I have a feeling you are about to hate us even more when we tell you what you need to know."

"You're not going to give some speech about how brothers aren't supposed to marry sisters are you?" My attempt at humor was weak, but I was stalling. And they knew it.

"No it's worse." Callen spoke up. "But when all is said and done we will be having that conversation. That's just weird, our sister and brother getting married to each other. But first we have other issues that need to be dealt with. Time to get your head in the game, Deeks, Kensi is in trouble and she is going to need you just like you needed her."

No jokes, no quips, nothing like the man I had become and worked so hard to return to. Kensi needed me and I was for damn sure going to make sure I was there.

**Please tell what you think.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N OK So I got some requests to make this into more than a one shot, so here goes. It keeps being dropped that Deeks is going to lose it and melt down sometime in the next two episodes 5x17 or 5x18. This is my version of it. If Deeks seems a little OOC here, it is entirely possible I channeled myself from a very similar conversation some eight years ago.**

**Disclaimer: Nothing in the bank account, so I don't own anything from NCIS LA**

_Previously on NCIS Los Angeles: _

"_No it's worse." Callen spoke up. "But when all is said and done we will be having that conversation. That's just weird, our sister and brother getting married to each other. But first we have other issues that need to be dealt with. Time to get your head in the game, Deeks, Kensi is in trouble and she is going to need you just like you needed her."_

_No jokes, no quips, nothing like the man I had become and worked so hard to return to. Kensi needed me and I was for damn sure going to make sure I was there._

Callen continued speaking with Sam occasionally filling in when needed, but I can't honestly say I was listening. Oh I was paying attention, but a lot of it was information that I had gathered simply by putting two and two together. Kensi was in Afghanistan. Yep, already knew that. Her assignment was to kill the White Ghost, an American traitor who was working and training with the Taliban. Yep, knew that as well. All the while that feeling of dread just kept weighing heavier on my soul. Then I realized that Sam had just made a statement that I didn't know anything about, and was so ludicrous it had to be false. "Wait, what was that?"

"Granger said that Kensi had a shot at the White Ghost and missed." Even Sam had disbelief in his voice.

"Horseshit!" Well, I just managed to shock the living daylights out of the two of them for a second time in less than ten minutes. I really try not to swear, but you can only hide behind humor and positive outlooks for so long. "Kensi doesn't miss. What the hell really happened? She walk into an ambush?"

"Granger said she missed, and that no, it wasn't an ambush. She observed a westerner in a convoy. Both decided that the target was indeed the White Ghost and Kensi took the shot. When she made it back to the compound, Granger demanded a report in a hour. Deeks, Kensi's been missing ever since." I never thought it was possible for a human heart to stop beating, yet continue to feel so much. Shock, pain, sorrow, guilt, and anger shot across my body like lightning crawling across a storm light sky.

"Deeks….. Deeks come on man, snap out of it" Sam looked like he was actually considering slapping me to bring me around. "There's more."

"Deeks, the White Ghost is on Jonathan Simon" I had no idea how I remained standing as this latest revelation slammed into me with all the subtlety of my father's fist. Yet Callen still had more torturous news to reveal "That's right, Deeks, Kensi's ex-fiancé, Jack. As far as we know, she was never informed of the target's identity outside of the White Ghost. We have also been informed that the White Ghost was originally a CIA plant, and the recruiter/controller was none other than our very own Agent Sabatino. It also appears that Hetty has Kensi on another mission, a mole hunt, one that not even Granger is fully aware of."

The entire room went blurry. That is the only way to describe it. I don't know how long I just stood there. But then something deep inside me snapped and I started shoving the pain, the sorrow, the guilt deep inside a little black hole in my mind. But the anger I left alone, in fact I welcomed. A side of me that I had hidden behind the optimism and humor I was so well known for was coming out to play and there was only one person in this world who would be able to put it back, and it sure wasn't me.

"Thanks for the info." Both Sam and Callen stiffened at the glacial tone of my voice. "When are we leaving?"

The two of them stared at each other, as if daring the other to be the first to speak. Finally with a heavy sigh, Callen opened his mouth "You might want to talk to Hetty about that, Deeks."

"Ok fine. I will do that." I moved with a purpose towards my desk. I was going to Afghanistan, and I was going to use every weapon in my arsenal. Those papers in my desk were my last resort, but what good was being who I am if Kensi wasn't there in my life. I have always been friendly with people here at the Mission, but now everybody was backing away from me. Nell even gasped as I strode past OPS. I almost ripped my bottom drawer out of my desk, as I grabbed the file, opened it and signed my signature on the bottom line. Spinning on my heel, I immediately strode towards the desk of our Operations Manager. For once I wish her office was enclosed, and had a door, because slamming it open would be a balm to my soul.

"Mr. deeks, how may I help you?" Usually Hetty demanded respect, and got it, but right now I saw nothing more than a worn out garden ornament whose time had come and gone.

"I am going to Afghanistan" It came out as a mixture of snarl and growl.

"No, I don't believe you will be, Mr. Deeks. You are not an NCIS agent."

"Cut the Horseshit, Hetty!" My open palm slammed down on top of her desk, and for once I made the ninja jump. "You have sent me out of this country on unsanctioned missions in the past, simply for the promise of a bag of tea. I was LAPD during those times."

"Mr. Deeks, I assure you that I did not send you to Romania."

"I am not talking about Romania! Remember Dubai? Jordan? I am fed up with the hypocritical bullshit you have towards me. Callen, Sam, go off the reservation and you welcome them back with open arms. You tell me to go after Kensi and after one awkward day one you send my wife off to Buttfuckistan with two separate missions that she doesn't even have all the information to accomplish. You said, you don't move pieces, you move the board. Well I am changing the board right now." The file landed open to the signature right where my hand had struck moments before. "That should make you happy. You got what you wanted. It wouldn't surprise me in the least if that was your plan from the very beginning."

"Very well, Mr. Deeks. Go inform Mr. Callen that you will be travelling with Mr. Hanna and him to Afghanistan. Go get your wife back." She paused with a look of something akin to remorse in her eyes. "And Mr. Deeks I am sorry you feel this way. This was never my intent."

I didn't say another word. I couldn't. I simply turned around and headed to find Callen and Sam. Almost as an afterthought, I pulled my phone, and dialed a number I hadn't felt the desire to in a long time. As usual Bates' line went to voicemail and so I left a message. He had two hours to meet me face to face, otherwise I was resigning effective immediately from the LAPD over the phone.

**Please tell me what you think even if you think it sucks. Constructive criticism is very helpful. While I do enjoy favorites and follows, I can't be sure if I am writing the characters correctly. So thanks for reading and please leave a review.**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N OK I now know where this story is going to go after last night's episode 5x17. The way everybody is treating Deeks has set me off, and you are going to see a very different side of Deeks over the next several chapters. It is going to be a lot of miles down a stretch of very bumpy bad road. You have been warned. This one is a little short.**

**Disclaimer: Nothing in the bank account, so I don't own anything from NCIS LA**

_Previously on NCIS Los Angeles: _

"_Very well, Mr. Deeks. Go inform Mr. Callen that you will be travelling with Mr. Hanna and him to Afghanistan. Go get your wife back." She paused with a look of something akin to remorse in her eyes. "And Mr. Deeks I am sorry you feel this way. This was never my intent."_

_I didn't say another word. I couldn't. I simply turned around and headed to find Callen and Sam. Almost as an afterthought, I pulled my phone, and dialed a number I hadn't felt the desire to in a long time. As usual Bates' line went to voicemail and so I left a message. He had two hours to meet me face to face, otherwise I was resigning effective immediately from the LAPD over the phone._

Even without the roar of the four turboprop engines, I still wouldn't be able to sleep. We had gone over everything we could get our hands on to try and figure out we were going to do as soon as our boots hit the ground. Finding out about the decapitations of the previous agents did not help my mood in anyway shape or form. Both Callen and Sam had dozed off for the remainder of the flight, but I had too much adrenaline running through my system for me to even try and close my eyes. I could feel tears trying to well up in my eyes, but I forced the feelings of dread and despair down, while letting the rage simmer. I could break later, for now I needed the anger to keep me going.

I was so wrapped up in thoughts of Kensi tortured or worse, I didn't even notice Sam until he came back and sat down beside me. "Where are you at Deeks?" Concern radiated from his voice, something that doesn't happen very often. Though to be honest, it did occur more frequently since the entire Russian dentistry incident.

"Last time I checked I was onboard an USMC cargo plane headed to Afghanistan."

"That is not what I meant, and you know it."

"Fine. I'm fine."

"Don't give me that bullshit, Deeks. I have never seen you this way. Hell, I am not even sure if you are still Deeks. You're more like Max Gentry right now, but even that isn't correct." Sam looked at me quizically.

I chuckled harshly "Why do you give a shit Sam? Why now? Why not, say two months ago when Kensi was sent away?"

"I misjudged you once before, and despite that you kept my family safe. Because you are questioning everything right now, and I don't like seeing what you are becoming." I could see from Sam's eyes, he was disturbed at what I was projecting.

"What I am becoming? Ever think that you might be seeing the real me right now and everything else was false?" If anything my tone was colder and more dangerous than before.

"Look, Deeks, I know it's been a rough couple of months. I have been in your shoes. I told you once before it would be a mistake for you to quit being a cop, I still feel that way."

"No Sam you really haven't been in my shoes. Yeah the whole falling love with your partner, and torture, I'll give you that. But everything else, no way, no how. You jeopardize a mission involving missing nukes to protect your wife, you don't get punished. I do something less, and my wife gets sent to off to No Man's Land with no backup to kill her ex-fiancé. I am so tired of the hypocritical way I am treated. We won't touch on my childhood or my time at LAPD before I was chosen for liaison. Everything good in my life keeps getting taken away from me or fucked up. So you'll excuse me for being pissed off at the world right now." I couldn't control the bitterness and hurt from my tone. After everything that I have done and dealt, why couldn't I have a little bit of happiness, at least more than one night?

"You're right. We treat you differently and I have said things in the past that I regret. I did speak up, when G wanted to pull you off the Omni case. I spoke up when Hetty sent Kensi off to Afghanistan. But I have to follow the chain of command. But obviously I have to do better. And I will, just as soon as we get Kens back. I will support the two of you whatever or however I can. Just try and not let it get to you." He was trying, but I just wasn't willing to go there right now. With a heavy sigh, he stood up and started to walk back to his gear.

"Sam?" I asked before he gotten more than two steps away. If he was willing to try, I could at least throw him a line, even if I wasn't ready to meet him half way.

"Yeah, Deeks?" He turned back towards me.

"Thanks. I need you promise me something, please? Don't let me go overboard like I did with Scarpelli." I would lie for her, I would kill for her, I would die for her. What else was I capable of when Kensi's safety was a concern? I was afraid I was about to find out.

"Overboard?" Realization flashed in his eyes. "I promise".

**Please tell me what you think even if you think it sucks. Constructive criticism is very helpful. While I do enjoy favorites and follows, I can't be sure if I am writing the characters correctly. So thanks for reading and please leave a review.**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N OK I now know where this story is going to go after episode 5x17. The way everybody is treating Deeks has set me off, and you are going to see a very different side of Deeks over the next several chapters. It is going to be a lot of miles down a stretch of very bumpy bad road. You have been warned.**

**A special thanks to bookdiva for being a heck of a sounding board, and for being patient with me after the teasers I dropped on her. I appreciate it.**

**Also if you're looking for something fluffy (and you're not going to find it here for a long time, I currently can't write fluff if my life depended on it) check out Bamie02's **_**Smile Sunshine & Little of this, Little of that.**_** They are awesome.**

**Disclaimer: Nothing in the bank account, so I don't own anything from NCIS LA**

_Previously on NCIS Los Angeles: _

"_Sam?" I asked before he gotten more than two steps away. If he was willing to try, I could at least throw him a line, even if I wasn't ready to meet him half way._

"_Yeah, Deeks?" He turned back towards me._

"_Thanks. I need you promise me something, please? Don't let me go overboard like I did with Scarpelli." I would lie for her, I would kill for her, I would die for her. What else was I capable of when Kensi's safety was a concern? I was afraid I was about to find out._

"_Overboard?" Realization flashed in his eyes. "I promise"._

Even though we had landed over forty minutes ago, and immediately got in a HUMVEE that was waiting for us, we still had over a three hour drive to reach the FOB that Kensi had been assigned to. It was really quiet between all of us. Neither the driver nor the gunner were talking, they were Marines stationed in the backwaters of one the most desolate places on earth. After last night Sam realized the futility of trying to get me to open up, and Callen was never one for small talk, at least with me he wasn't. I must have dozed off, because the next thing I know we were pulling into the vehicle depot of the FOB.

"We're here sirs. That collection of trailers over to the northwest is where the taskforce is based." The driver spoke, almost anxious, as if he was trying to get rid of these dumbass civilians who he was sure were here to make his life even more complicated.

"Thank you Corporal. Not bad driving for a Jarhead." Sam joked.

We grabbed our bags and gear. I had to admit it felt discerning to have a Sig Sauer P229 strapped to my thigh, as opposed to my standard Smith & Wesson. I just stood, trying to get a feel for the place. How Kens had handled getting stuck out here with no familiar face other than Granger's, and that thought alone sent a shudder through my body, I had no idea. Even if I was my usual upbeat self, this place would have depressed me. Now with the reason for us being here weighing heavily on my mind, I honestly couldn't think of a reason why this place shouldn't be wiped off the face of the earth.

"Deeks, what in the hell are YOU doing here? Are we shooting National Lampoon's Vacation: Afghanistan edition, Detective?" Granger was down the steps and striding towards us.

"That's Special Agent Deeks, Granger." I growled. After a long pause, I added "Sir."

Granger stopped, looking between me, Sam and Callen. Callen just nodded, and Sam scowled. When Granger finally turned his gaze back towards me, I didn't see the shock or surprise I was expecting. Instead there was a hint of approval and something else, almost sadness. I shrugged that thought off, as Granger didn't know the meaning of sadness and I didn't want his pity anyways. "That's Assistant Director Granger to you, Probationary Agent Deeks."

"Sorry sir, will most definitely happen again Sir." Sam snapped his head around to look at me, amazed that I was antagonizing Granger when we obviously needed his help.

"Get inside, and your gear stowed. We'll get you up to speed with what has happened in the last 24 hours." Granger spoke, not even acknowledging my reply.

Not long after we were all standing around the table while the Afghanistan version of Eric, some guy named Booker, brought us up to speed. "As soon as Assistant Director Granger realized Agent Blye was missing, we immediately checked the motor pool to see if any vehicles had been checked out or were missing. It wasn't until we checked the stables that we realized how she was moving. We got confirmation from the sentries at the gate that she left on horseback. They thought odd that she wasn't carrying any visible weapons, but didn't say anything about it."

"Where is her room?" I was trying desperately to ignore that last part. "Maybe she left some clues on what she was up to. Like whether or not this has something to do with the mole hunt."

It surprised me that Granger didn't snap his neck, how fast his head shot up. "Mole hunt? What mole hunt?" It was obvious now that he knew nothing about it.

"Hetty told Kensi that there was a mole over here, and that one of her missions was to discover and remove the mole." Callen smirked at the idea of knowing something Granger didn't. "While there has been nothing conclusive, it looks like our old friend Sabatino might just be involved with the White Ghost a little more than what appears to be. After all he was the one who recruited and controlled Jack Simon for the CIA."

"Damn it, Henrietta!" Somehow I don't think that was not all Granger wanted to curse Hetty with. "I thought the history between your team and Sabatino was causing Blye to see things that weren't there. Maybe I was wrong. If so I have made a serious mistake."

"Where is Sabatino?" Sam spoke up for the first time in awhile.

"He and Blye went into the field about two weeks ago, he abandoned her out near the area we found the convoy, and she had to walk back. Sabatino hasn't been seen since, though he has reported back in by sat phone. Booker, inform the base commander that as soon as Sabatino shows up, he is to be detained and I am to be informed immediately." Booker just nodded and headed to his workstation.

"Her room?" I persisted. I needed to see where she had been. I needed to find some tangible proof that she had been alive not that long ago.

Booker pointed towards a door near his workstation. "I don't know what you're going to find, we've already gone through it, Agent Deeks"

"I'm a detective, I detect things. It's what I do." For the first time since that conversation in the armory, Sam had the hint of a genuine smile on his face.

I opened the door and slipped inside, quickly closing it behind me. If I broke, I didn't need the rest of the team and taskforce to see me. I had to be there when we found Kens, I just had to be. I was not going to give Granger any excuse to keep me from that. I saw her rifle lying on the bed. I couldn't be sure but it looked just like the one she had back in the states, and to be honest I hadn't seen hers in the armory ever since she left. I didn't see her Sig anywhere, so I had some hope that she could defend herself out there. I started looking underneath the mattress for anything, even though I know Kens wouldn't put anything in such an obvious place. I found a little nook in the corner of the room that had obviously held something in the past, but whatever it was, it wasn't there now.

Frustrated, I grabbed a pillow and slung it across the room. The world just stopped. I slowly sank to my knees as I stared at the image lying there atop the bottom pillow. A fine gold chain with a simple silver band, the exact duplicate of the one that hung around my neck, and she had left it behind. And since she missed with her shot at the White Ghost, at one Jack Simon ex-fiancé, and she had snuck out without telling anybody, without back up, without even being armed the way she should, it could only mean one thing. Everything Kensi had said to me that night was a lie. She choose her past over our future.

*******NCIS LA*******

I don't know how long I sat there, just holding her chain in my clenched hand. The next thing I knew was Sam's hand on my shoulder, while he attempted to get through to me. "Deeks…. DEEKS! Sabatino just showed up at the gate. The Marines are bringing him here."

"Let's go I want to talk to him." I stood up so fast I knocked Sam off balance and he flailed trying to keep from falling to the floor.

"Don't think that's a good idea Deeks. You're emotionally involved right now."

"Sam, please I need to find Kensi."

We got outside to join up with Granger and Callen to watch a Marine Fireteam with a Marine Captain escorting a bemused looking native dressed Sabatino towards us. I really wanted to wipe the smug look off of his face. I didn't like from the moment we busted his little intelligence operation at that think tank when we first sent Nell undercover, and my feelings hadn't grown any fonder since.

"Granger what the hell is going on here?" Sabatino looked over us. "And what are the Three Amigos doing here?"

"Where the fuck is the White Ghost?" I stepped forward. "What has he done with Kensi?"

He was smooth I'll give him that. "What are you talking about? I've been out in the field."

Deep in my soul, a little voice screamed no, as Sabatino doubled over in agony, whooping for breath as my fist slammed into his gut. Behind me, I heard Sam, Callen and Granger shouting for the Marines to stand down. Sam said something about field interrogation in a war zone, but I wasn't paying attention. A backhand slammed into Sabatino's cheek and spun him to the ground. "Have I got your attention, yet?" I didn't even raise my voice as I towered over him. "Where is the White Ghost? We know you're the one who recruited and controlled Jack Simon. We know that you're still in contact with him."

Sabatino spat on the ground defiantly. "I lost contact with him when he went to the other side."

**BOOOM!** I had no idea I had drawn my pistol until the bullet slammed into the earth next to Sabatino's knee. "Last chance, asshole. Next one goes in the knee, then the other knee. After that elbows, get the picture?" The voice screaming in my head was getting louder. This wasn't right, this wasn't me. But I had already loss Kensi in my future; I had to make sure she was safe now, if I wanted to move on.

"Deeks…. Deeks" Sam's hand clasped my forearm, gently forcing the pistol down and to the side. "He isn't worth it. Don't do this. You're not some thug with a gun."

"We need answers Sam." I pleaded.

"And we will. But not this way. This is not who you are. This is not Kensi's partner."

Reality slammed into me. I hit the magazine release, and safed the Sig before handing to Sam. I spun on my heel and walked away. Behind me, I heard Granger and Callen threatening Sabatino with locking him in a room alone with me, if he didn't spill right then and there. I was horrified and nauseated at what I had done, and how I enjoyed the look of fear in Sabatino's eyes. All I could think was how I had turned into my father.

*******NCIS LA*******

How long I sat there against the trailers, I have no idea. Neither the cold nor the dust bothered me. It wasn't until I noticed a shadow blocking what little sun that was out, that I realized Sam was standing over me. "My God, Sam what I done, what have I become? I can't even call myself one of the good guys anymore."

With a heavy sigh "You're a good guy Deeks. You've just been pushed past so far beyond your breaking point that I'm surprised we don't have you in a strait jacket. Even before Sidirov, we just kept dumping shit on you, and expecting you to handle it." He paused, taking a deep breath. "But we've got the location we need. Now let's go get Kensi. And then we'll start repairing what has been done to you." He handed my pistol back to me.

Granger was looking at me strangely as I followed Sam over to where the bikes where at. It was disconcerting to say the least. It was almost as if he was sorry for what was happening to me. This in itself was strange as I never thought he liked me, or even respected me for that matter. Callen just looked at Sam, and didn't bother saying a word to me once Sam nodded his head. The three of them were already geared up and waited patiently while I finished getting the rest of my gear on. No words were spoken; we just started up the bikes and rode off down the trails towards the caves that Sabatino had pointed out. After an hour, give or take, we saw a figure limping down the trail, a figure I would recognize anywhere. I goosed the throttle and pulled out to the front.

"Kensi!" I screamed as I shut off the bike.

"Deeks, what in the hell are you doing here?" Shock flooded across her face.

**Crack!** The echoes from the shot hadn't even started, when she crumpled and fell.

"SNIPER! Deeks get down." I had Sam call, but I was already sprinting to her.

"God No! Kensi!" We may not have a future together, but I still loved her, and I had to make sure she was alive. **Crack! Crack!** I heard the following two shots, as for the first time since this began, a physical blow knocked me to the ground. I couldn't breathe, and my legs didn't want to work, so I forced my arms to drag me towards Kensi. I was weakening. "Kensi" I whispered. Blackness. Blessed Blackness.

**Please tell me what you think even if you think it sucks. Constructive criticism is very helpful. While I do enjoy favorites and follows, I can't be sure if I am writing the characters correctly. So thanks for reading and please leave a review.**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N After that cliffhanger, did you really think I would kill both of them off? I am trying something very different here. There are three different points of view in this chapter: Kensi, Deeks, and Granger. I realized that where I am going with this storyline, I just can't have it all from Deeks perspective. Hopefully what I did makes sense. Please tell me what you think.**

**Again, a special thanks to bookdiva for being a heck of a sounding board, and for being patient with me after the teasers I dropped on her. You are AWESOME! I mean it. And yes there will be a happy ending for our favorite love birds.**

**Disclaimer: Nothing in the bank account, so I don't own anything from NCIS LA**

_Previously on NCIS Los Angeles: _

"_Kensi!" I screamed as I shut off the bike._

"_Deeks, what in the hell are you doing here?" Shock flooded across her face._

_**Crack!**__ The echoes from the shot hadn't even started, when she crumpled and fell._

"_SNIPER! Deeks get down." I heard Sam call, but I was already sprinting to her. _

"_God No! Kensi!" We may not have a future together, but I still loved her, and I had to make sure she was alive. __**Crack! Crack!**__ I heard the following two shots, as for the first time since this began, a physical blow knocked me to the ground. I couldn't breathe, and my legs didn't want to work, so I forced my arms to drag me towards Kensi. I was weakening. "Kensi" I whispered. Blackness. Blessed Blackness._

Here we are again. Deeks in the hospital after being shot and me waiting by his bedside. My God he looks so haggard, gaunt and just not the Deeks I know and love. At least this time I can be here for him. There are times I just want to drop kick Granger for how he treated Deeks while in the hands of that bastard Sidirov. Forcing me to leave Deeks in that God forsaken chair, and then forcing me to leave his side, and not being able to be there when he woke up, I will never forgive Granger for that. Not even knowing what had happened to Dad had been that difficult to deal with. At least I had told him to shove it when he ordered a debrief this morning. The debrief could wait, Deeks couldn't.

Even sleeping right now, he doesn't look peaceful. What would I do just to see his nose twitch? Let him be in charge of the radio? Let him drive? Give up twinkes? I can't help but feel blame for all that he has been through. I ran. I didn't fight, and he just kept being Deeks. My hand brushes over his brow feeling every new worry line. Sam told me what happened after Deeks found my ring. It's back where it belongs around my neck, but Deeks didn't understand why I had to leave it behind. If things had gone badly with the White Ghost, I couldn't allow them to use Deeks as a weapon against me, or even worse use me as a weapon against Deeks. Everything he has gone through, and he was still able to look at the world with eyes filled wonder and the ability to see the good in everyone. His humor and optimism, while never truly recognized or appreciated, helped the team and me deal with situations that should have had us screaming for the hills. And now it is slowly slipping away, and it's all because of me.

Everything he is, was, will ever be; is slowly getting destroyed, and it is all because of me. And, yet he wonders why I build up walls? I can't lose who he is, my best friend, my partner, even my husband, but look at what it costs us. His eyes are flicking beneath their lids and I wonder what he is dreaming about? Are his dreams like mine? Him teaching blond hair little boys and brunette little girls how to surf?

He starts to thrash, and mumble my name. Before I can say anything or do anything to soothe him, he sat straight up gasping my name "Kensi!" Panic flashed in his eyes as his hands stretched imploringly in front of him as he slowly woke from the dream, or was it nightmare that had trapped him.

"I'm here Deeks. I'm here Deeks."I reached out to grab his hand, but he moved with a speed that always shocked me, considering the laid back persona he showed the world.

Gentling cupping my face with both hands, he peered into my eyes with an intensity I'm not sure I had ever seen. "Are you ok?"

How does he do that? Why does he do that? No matter how bad the situation, my wellbeing is his first and only thought. It was enough to make Bad Ass Blye start to blubber, and even though I would have a valid excuse now, I don't blubber. "Just some bumps and bruises, nothing serious. Not even cracked ribs from being shot. How are you feeling?"

He abruptly let go and sank back down into the bed. "I'm good, if you're good" sounding utterly exhausted.

"Then we're good." And we're back. Our communication skills flat suck. How am I ever going to be able to tell him?

*******NCIS LA*******

The flight home was physically more comfortable, while if possible more uncomfortable emotionally. We flew out to Diego Garcia, where Granger arranged for us to fly home in style. Compared to the C130 we flew in on, anything would have been better, but Granger had pulled strings for a C20 Gulfstream to fly us the rest of the way. However, having both Sabatino and Simon in the back trussed up and grumbling about their bumps and bruises didn't exactly make for easy listening. I understood why Kensi did what she did with Simon, but having him on the same plane as us didn't help my feelings of betrayal. Granger had decided that neither Kensi nor I should be involved on security detail with the two of them, as we were both too emotionally involved to be trusted. Which meant Sam, Callen, and Granger took turns guarding them. Booker had the personality of a rock, and Kensi still wasn't talking to me or even looking at me. All in all it flat out sucked. I couldn't wait to get off the plane. Of course I wasn't exactly willing to open up in back there in the FOB hospital, and I know she's feeling guilty about how I have changed. Which makes me feel even worse, that she is suffering because of me. God, we have horrible communication.

As soon as the wheels touched the ground, I started fidgeting more. I was twitchy the entire flight, but I wanted out of here. I wanted Kensi and me out of here and someplace we could talk. I was grabbing my bags, even before the plane had come to a complete stop.

Granger spoke up "Take it easy today. We'll debrief tomorrow morning at ten hundred hours. Booker, stick with me. We'll get you some place to stay that doesn't involve a couch or a cot."

A chorus of oks and yes sirs sounded off as I looked at Kensi. "Hey partner, need a ride?" I was praying she would say yes.

But my prayers went unanswered as she replied "No…. I think I'm good." It felt like yet another nail was driven into my coffin. I knew I had failed in keeping the hurt and disappointment off of my face just by the way Sam's demeanor changed. I just sucked it up and headed for the hatch. As I strode down the ramp I saw Hetty, Nell and Eric waiting with four US Marshalls, whom I assume were there to take Simon and Sabatino into custody.

"Welcome home Mr. Deeks." Hetty's eyes searched my face. I didn't bother giving her the satisfaction of replying as I walked right past her headed for where I had parked my truck. I needed to get to the beach and clear my head.

"Deeks wait, Shaggy please." Nell called softly.

"Please Nell, just…. Not right now, please?" I appreciated what she was trying to do, but until I got my head screwed on straight I didn't want to talk to anybody. As I walked I could feel six sets of eyes staring into my back, and the absence of the most important set overshadowed them all.

*******NCIS LA*******

Sitting on the beach was helping. Having taken the time to go and get Monty was helping even more. He simply lay in the sand beside me, not wanting to play, knowing I needed the comfort of him nearby. A dog is man's best friend for a reason. "What am I going to do, Monty?" I scratched his furry head. I wanted my best friend back. I wanted my partner back. I wanted our lives back to where we were. And I knew that wasn't going to happen. The walls that I had so patiently chiseled down were back up, maybe frailer than before, but they were there. I wasn't sure I still had the patience to go through this again, even though I had promised Kensi I would be patient. I could bring those walls down in a heartbeat, much like the use of dynamite. It would lead to the second most glorious moment of my life, at least physically, but the repercussions would be disastrous from our future standpoint. Hell, maybe letting our passions over rule our logic, and getting married so quickly had already doomed us. Hell, marriage was a partnership right?

And what I was capable of doing when her life was on the line? I still fit sick every time, I saw Sabatino, and what I had done to him. Would I have really shot him? Would I have used the knife Kensi had given me before she left to cause him pain? I hope not, that would have destroyed the meaning of that knife, but I couldn't really be sure. Would I jump in and screw up a mission when she was undercover? I have killed to protect her in the past, would I beat the crap out of someone hitting on her in a bar? I just didn't know if I could be her partner on the job, if she didn't at least start meeting me half way.

It clicked. I stood up and Monty looked up at me expectantly. "Come on, Boy" We started walking back to my truck. I knew I had to do. I had to force her hand.

*******NCIS LA*******

I was standing in the shadows of the wardrobe, just watching. I had seen Detective, no Agent Deeks come in early and based on his actions, I had pretty good idea what he was doing. What is it with this team's issue with debriefs? He had gone to Henrietta's desk first, and then to Blye's; or is it Deeks, Blye-Deeks; desk leaving items at both and then just as quickly leave again. I could go look at what it was, but I wanted to see the reactions of the various team members. It had been a long time since Henrietta had been surprised, and I had a feeling she was about to get the surprise of her life. I wanted to see it happen; I can be kind of vindictive in a way.

Henrietta came in just before the skeleton night shift and the day crew started swapping the jobs. She simply sat down at her desk, shaking her head slowly, and her eyes never left the objects Deeks had left her. She didn't even acknowledge Jones or Beale as the two went up the stairs to OPS. She was almost an automaton as she signed the necessary paperwork for what had occurred during the night.

Hanna was the first one in, and he just sat down behind his desk. Callen wandered in, and the two of them started joking, neither realizing what was happening. It wasn't until Blye came in and saw the top of her desk that whatever Deeks was planning went into motion. "Oh My God." Her voice was anything but the strong and capable federal agent she is. It was so heartbroken, it even tugged at my locked down feelings.

At the Blye's outburst, Henrietta's head snapped up. She grabbed what I was almost positive was Deeks' NCIS Badge and issued Sig, and headed towards the bullpen. "Agent Callen, Agent Hanna, I need you to find and bring Mr. Deeks back to the Mission." The two senior agents of her handpicked team tore their eyes from the obviously distraught junior agent to look at their diminutive operations manager. Even from where I stood, I could see the confusion in their faces. Almost like it was delicately rehearsed, Jones exited OPS and headed down the stairs right on cue. Time to step in.

"As you were. Stand down agents." Shock quickly flashed across Henrietta's face, only to be replaced with something cold and calculating. I swiftly clamped down on the irrational joy I felt at surprising the Henrietta Lange, it was simply unprofessional.

"Ummm…. Hetty….. Director Vance wants to speak to you from MTAC in DC." The pixie like intel analyst field agent was subdued. The confidence that was used to take down an armed suspect with a knife simply wasn't there at the moment

"Owen, what did you do?" Heinretta's voice was soft, worried almost.

"My job." I replied "Heinretta Lange, effective immediately, you are relieved of duty as Operations Manager of NCIS Office of Special Projects, pending a review of the handling of both the Sidirov and White Ghost operations. Agent Callen, Agent Hanna, and Agent Blye you are confined to desk duty until the completion of said review. Human resources will be contacting you concerning treatment of former NCIS Special Agent LAPD Liaison Martin Deeks." Nobody said a word. Their faces said it all, except one. I am not even sure she heard me.

I sighed; I wasn't into all this touchy feely crap. "Agent Blye…. Kensi" She simply sat at her desk, staring at the ring attached to the chain and her father's knife, while clenching an envelope in her hand. I know what this job can do to people. I had promised Donny if anything happened to him, I would watch out for her and so far my performance wasn't exactly stellar. Maybe if I could help her now, I could ease some of my sins that weigh upon my soul. "Your father would have approved of Deeks. And he would have been disappointed in you." Her head snapped up, tears welling her eyes. "He didn't leave you. You left him no choice. You drove him away."

**Please tell me what you think even if you think it sucks. Constructive criticism is very helpful. While I do enjoy favorites and follows, I can't be sure if I am writing the characters correctly. So thanks for reading and please leave a review.**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N Wow two chapters in one day. That is a first.**

**First of all I need to do something, I keep forgetting to do. Thank you for all who favorite, followed and reviewed. It really means a lot.**

**Thank You bookdiva and Bamie02 for helping to me get this right, and for being patient with me. You two are AWESOME! I mean it. And yes there will be a happy ending for our favorite love birds.**

**Disclaimer: Nothing in the bank account, so I don't own anything from NCIS LA**

_Previously on NCIS Los Angeles: _

_I sighed; I wasn't into all this touchy feely crap. "Agent Blye…. Kensi" She simply sat at her desk, staring at the ring attached to the chain and her father's knife, while clenching an envelope in her hand. I know what this job can do to people. I had promised Donny if anything happened to him, I would watch out for her and so far my performance wasn't exactly stellar. Maybe if I could help her now, I could ease some of my sins that weigh upon my soul. "Your father would have approved of Deeks. And he would have been disappointed in you." Her head snapped up, tears welling in her eyes. "He didn't leave you. You left him no choice. You drove him away."_

As soon as Granger spoke the flood gates broke. I couldn't help it, Granger was absolutely correct. I had promised to talk to Deeks and he promised to be patient. Well, he held up his end of the deal, and I just built up walls to keep him out and to keep me safe. I did so I didn't lose him, and what did it do? I loss everything, my husband, my best friend, my partner; my everything.

Granger spoke up obviously uncomfortable, "Ummm…. Huh… Ms. Jones I think we can dispense with your services for the day. Why don't you take Agent Blye home and try to get her settled down. Beale can handle things, and we'll call you if we need you."

"Yes Sir. Come on Kens, let's get out of here and get some rocky road." She offered me her hand, but I snatched Deeks' ring and my dad's knife off my desk, while holding onto the damn envelope. I wanted to read it right now. I wanted to throw it away and pretend it never existed so I didn't get hurt anymore. I didn't know what to do. Numbly I stood up and started towards the doors, with Nell's hand on my arm guiding me like I was blind. And in manner of speaking I was blind.

"Don't worry about your car Kens, we'll drop it off at your place later tonight." Callen spoke, concern burning in his eyes.

"Thanks guys." Nell spoke when she realized I wasn't going to say anything, or wasn't capable of speaking. I didn't know which it was either, that's how numb I was. "And after the rocky road, maybe some beers."

That got my attention. "No… No alcohol for me." I could just hear Deeks voice exclaiming '_Somebody's going to have a brain fart or heart attack with all the bombs we keep dropping Princess'_ and I felt my heart rip even further as the shock of what I said registered across the bullpen. "I mean it's too early in the day." I tried to recover, but I knew Nell at least wasn't buying it.

I don't remember getting in Nell's car or even much of the trip. I just realized that when we stopped we weren't at my place, or even Deeks', but parked in the lot for Nell's complex. I just looked at her.

"I figured it was better to come here. Deeks might be at your place, though I doubt it." She just shrugged as she got out of the car, and started leading me up the path to her door. She paused glancing at me "You didn't know he has been staying at your place?" I just shook my head. "It's been rough for him Kens, I mean really rough. But enough for right now, let's get inside, please."

I nodded my head, and just followed her inside. I flopped down on the couch only to realize I still hadn't let go of his ring, the knife or the envelope. Nell came back from the kitchen two bowls of ice cream in hand. "Are you going to open that letter?" I just shook my head mutely as she placed a bowl in front of me. "Kens you really need to see what's inside." She sat down in the chair opposite of me.

"I…. I ca….. I just can't Nell. What if it's divorce papers, or even worse a letter saying he never wants to see me again." Tears were starting to pool in my eyes again.

"Ok I am going to need a beer for this, are you sure you don't want one?" She stood up, as I just shook my head again, not trusting myself to speak. She paused halfway to the kitchen, and looked at me "How far along are you? And does Deeks know?"

"Just over three months, well to be exact 12 weeks 4 days. And No he doesn't. I didn't know until the doctor told me after I was checked out after we were shot."

Nell squealed with joy and ran over to hug me "I just knew you were meant for each other. It will be alright Kens. You just need to talk to each other."

"I don't know how, Nell."

"I am willing to bet Deeks is trying." She pointed at the envelope.

"You don't know what it says, Nell."

"And you don't either Kensi. You haven't opened it. But I do know this. That man who wrote put that envelope on your desk exists only to be there for you. The few times I was partnered with him, all he could talk about was you. The thought of you kept his sanity safe while you were gone. The thought of you kept the pain away when, well when you know…." She trailed off as for a brief moment my grief was replaced with a white hot anger at what he had suffered. "My point is he loves you Kens, and he is not about to throw that away on a whim. Kens, he gave up being a cop to come and rescue you. Open the damn envelope Kensi. I'll be right back."

With trembling hands I used my dad's knife to open the envelope. I placed Deeks' ring and the knife down for the first time in I don't know how long. My breath hitched in my throat and I had to force myself to keep from hyperventilating. I drew the paper out gently and a small glimmer of hope started to shine in my darkness. There was only a single sheet of paper inside, and divorce papers weren't certainly more than a single sheet right? Steeling myself, I opened it and started to read.

_Kensi, _

_Know that I love you. I'm starting to think I have from the first moment I laid eyes on you as Jason Wyler. I want it all with you. I want to go to sleep with you and wake up beside you every morning. I want to teach our kids how to surf, and work with dogs, just as I want to watch you teach our children how to shoot, track and hotwire airplanes. _

_I thought that was what you wanted as well. Not I'm not sure. I understood why you did what you did with the White Ghost, you're no murderer. By why did you leave your ring behind? That is the one thing I can't get through my head. I am trying so damn hard to be patient, but I need you to meet me half way. I can't keep doing this if you don't want what I want. I am more sorry than you can imagine at the anguish this is causing you, but I can't, I just can't do this anymore. Please talk to me. Please let me in._

_I love you so much_

_Deeks_

I didn't think it possible for there to be tears left, but new ones fell to stain the letter. Nell walked back into the room upon hearing my quiet sobs. "He doesn't understand why I had to leave my ring behind, Nell. And how much it hurt to do that."

Her arms encircled me, pulling me into a hug. "Kensi, he's a cop. Even with his time serving on SWAT, he would never have run into an experience where he had to leave something so important behind. Have you tried to explain that to him?" I just shook my head silently. "But if you talk to him does he want the same thing you do?" I nodded. "Then what are you waiting for, go talk to him."

I stood up, Bad Ass Blye doesn't give up without a fight, and he was what I wanted the most in this world. Time to cross that frozen lake.

*******NCIS LA*******

"Dad…. Daaaad….. Dadddddyyyy…. Hey Dad!" The voice came out of nowhere, as I could swear I was alone here at the beach. This really made no sense, what so ever, the beach is never this empty, and I didn't bring anything for surfing. I turned around and saw a young girl maybe twelve, maybe older, looking back at me. She looked hauntingly familiar with bright blue eyes staring out at me from beneath wavy brunette hair.

"Excuse me miss, do need you help finding somebody?" For all my vaunted detective skills, I couldn't place where I had seen this young lady before. I know I have seen pictures that were similar before, but nothing that looked exactly like her. I couldn't shake the feeling that I should know just who she was.

"No, Dad, I don't need help finding anybody, but you do." It seemed sad for such a serious expression to be on such a youthful pretty face.

"Ok, do I know you?" I was perplexed to say the least.

"Not yet, but you will," came the laughter filled reply. "But you have to fight for it. Dad, you can't give up on what you and Mom have."

Ok so this…. wait, what was happening? Why did she keep calling me Dad? I mean sure she looked little, no, make that a lot like Kensi, but there was no way, was there? Holy Crap, this had to be a dream, right? There was no way I was having a conversation with somebody who was half Kensi and half me. I had to have eaten some bad sushi or something. It was then that I saw the others a little farther back, a pair of younger dirty blonde girls identical to a fault, and even further back a little boy with dark hair.

She saw where my attention was, and glanced back over her shoulder. "Yeah, Dad you'll get to know them as well." She turned back towards me, a look of fond exasperation on her face. "But only if you fight for it. We're your and Mom's future." What sounded like thunder rumbled across the sky. "Bye for now Dad, we'll meet again, sooner than you realize."

Everything started to go blurry as the thunder increased in intensity. "Wait what's your name?"

"We gave you hope Dad, you just have to keep the faith." I strained to her words as everything faded out. The next thing I know I was on my couch in the living room, with my phone buzzing and somebody pounding on the door. Monty was whining at the door as I grabbed the phone only see it was Nell texting me.

Hey Shaggy, open the door for Kensi, or I come over and kick your butt too. Velma

Shaking my head at the implied threat, I stumbled over to the door and opened it. Monty shot through it and proceeded to maul Kensi in a good way. After giving Monty some loving, she stood up and looked at me. Even with the obvious tear tracks down her face and wearing sweats and a suspiciously familiar LAPD hoodie, she still took my breath away with her beauty.

"Hi" She shyly spoke.

"Hi, yourself" I wasn't sure what to do next.

"Can I come in?"

"Well we are married, what's mine is yours, and what's yours is yours." A tiny crack of smile started to form. "Besides I am pretty sure I gave you a key."

"I wasn't sure if I was welcome." The hitch in her voice did not belong there.

"Oh Princess, Fern, You're always welcome here." I pulled her into my arms and dropped a kiss on the top of her head. "Come on, let's talk."

**Please tell me what you think even if you think it sucks. Constructive criticism is very helpful. While I do enjoy favorites and follows, I can't be sure if I am writing the characters correctly. So thanks for reading and please leave a review.**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N OK, this something that popped into my head and wouldn't let me go. I thought it worked very well as an interlude for where the story is going. I have a real problem with Granger taking the blame for Kensi being sent to Afghanistan, and Hetty not having to deal with the repercussions when she said it was her choice to send Kensi. So here is my take on that.**

**Disclaimer: Nothing in the bank account, so I don't own anything from NCIS LA**

_Previously on NCIS Los Angeles: _

_I sighed; I wasn't into all this touchy feely crap. "Agent Blye…. Kensi" She simply sat at her desk, staring at the ring attached to the chain and her father's knife, while clenching an envelope in her hand. I know what this job can do to people. I had promised Donny if anything happened to him, I would watch out for her and so far my performance wasn't exactly stellar. Maybe if I could help her now, I could ease some of my sins that weigh upon my soul. "Your father would have approved of Deeks. And he would have been disappointed in you." Her head snapped up, tears welling in her eyes. "He didn't leave you. You left him no choice. You drove him away."_

Hetty was up in OPS video conferencing with Director Vance, Nell and Kensi were on their way… somewhere and who knew where Deeks was at? G rounded on Granger "Just what the hell is that?" He hissed, jerking his thumb over his shoulder towards OPS. "Are you gunning for Hetty again? Feel the need to replace the Old Cold Warrior with someone new?" Venom practically spat from his mouth. I honestly thought my partner might just end up shooting the Assistant Director.

"As much as you might not like it, Agent Callen, I have a job to do. Part of that job is to realize when a subordinate is in need of being held accountable for his or her actions. Henrietta has made some serious mistakes over the last year." Granger growled back, looking like he wanted to shoot G. Somebody had to do something before blood was spilled. "Whether it was the missing nukes or the whole White Ghost fiasco, some serious questions, not only from me, but from higher up have been raised."

G opened his mouth to speak, but I interrupted him. "Assistant Director Granger has a point G." I cringed at the look of betrayal etched in G's face as he swung to look at me. "Hear me out. You or me, we go off the reservation we get welcomed back with open arms. I break out of jail, assault two guards, and show up at the meet with Sidirov and damn near blow my cover which could have cost us the nukes, to protect Michelle. What happens to me? I have to buy a bottle of scotch, a really expensive bottle of scotch, but a bottle of scotch none the less. Deeks and Kensi almost lose a thumb drive, that while serious has nothing on the level of missing nukes, and she gets sent to Afghanistan. And we all knew that Kensi was the only thing holding Deeks together after the torture."

"That's different, Sam. They were letting their emotions rule their actions. They could have gotten themselves or even us killed." The same stubbornness that would not allow the man to admit defeat against Hetty on the rock wall was now being applied to defend Hetty.

"No it isn't. I let my emotions cloud my judgment. I could have gotten the three of you killed, not to mention Michelle, barging into that operation." It really was too bad Sabatino hadn't been killed during that case because of my actions. It would have saved both Deeks and Kensi some heartbreak and soul searching. "Kensi was sent off on two separate missions without even the basic knowledge, let alone the support needed to accomplish either. Hell, Granger didn't even know about the mole hunt. That was a job for Gibbs, you or even me. Kensi, no way in hell did she have the experience for those jobs, skills yes, experience no. The personal connection to the White Ghost or Simon should have been against protocol. And Hetty did say it was her call. Not Granger's."

"Agent Callen, if it makes you feel better I am under review as well." Granger looked pained, as if admitting it was something akin to doing field surgery on himself. "The most obvious one being why I agreed to allow Agent Blye on the White Ghost OP when I knew of the connection between the two, even after I had specifically asked for Agent Gibbs. I screwed up and I admit it. But Henrietta's actions aren't that different in the eyes of those who matter, then the actions of the KGB when they snagged orphans and twisted them into what they wanted. Basically she is no different than those she claimed to be fighting against. And now if you'll excuse me, I need to join the video conference."

"Why?" I think it was the only question G could ask, even though he wouldn't look at me.

"Because we have been treating Deeks different than the rest of us and I am ashamed of it. Kensi can ride her motorcycle whenever she wants, but Deeks gets his taken away? The man is much better than we ever gave him credit for, G. He didn't give up Michelle; he saved my family and almost cost him who he is. It's time somebody stands up for the man. And whether you want to admit it or not, Hetty is the one who made a lot of those decisions that brought him to where he is today."

**Please tell me what you think even if you think it sucks. Constructive criticism is very helpful. While I do enjoy favorites and follows, I can't be sure if I am writing the characters correctly. So thanks for reading and please leave a review.**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N After the discussion between Granger and Hetty at the end of 5x17, it just confirmed to me that this is all Hetty's, well not all, but the majority of the fault needs to be placed at her feet. I just had to write Deeks and Hetty, it wouldn't let me go. Once again it is entirely possible I am writing myself in Deeks place. I think I did a better job of it this time, as opposed to chapter 2. Please tell me what you think.**

**Disclaimer: Nothing in the bank account, so I don't own anything from NCIS LA**

_Previously on NCIS Los Angeles: _

"_As you were. Stand down agents." Shock quickly flashed across Henrietta's face, only to be replaced with something cold and calculating. I swiftly clamped down on the irrational joy I felt at surprising the Henrietta Lange, it was simply unprofessional. _

"_Ummm…. Hetty….. Director Vance wants to speak to you from MTAC in DC." The pixie like intel analyst field agent was subdued. The confidence that was used to take down an armed suspect with a knife simply wasn't there at the moment_

"_Owen, what did you do?" Heinretta's voice was soft, worried almost._

"_My job." I replied "Heinretta Lange, effective immediately, you are relieved of duty as Operations Manager of NCIS Office of Special Projects, pending a review of the handling of both the Sidirov and White Ghost operations. Agent Callen, Agent Hanna, and Agent Blye you are confined to desk duty until the completion of said review. Human resources will be contacting you concerning treatment of former NCIS Special Agent LAPD Liaison Martin Deeks." Nobody said a word. Their faces said it all, except one. I am not even sure she heard me._

After dropping off my badge, gun and Kensi's belongings, I headed out to surf. I needed to clear my head. The waves weren't spectacular, but just being out there helped immensely. After tiring myself out, I sat down and just stared out over the ocean. I figured I wouldn't have long to wait before somebody showed up asking what the heck was going on. At this point it wouldn't surprise me if Director Vance showed up to figure out what the hell had happened. But when who it was finally came, it was much longer than I thought and it sure wasn't who I expected.

"Huh, didn't figure it would be you. Sure thought Sam and Callen would have been here to drag me in. Or Kensi would be here first." I hadn't heard her approach, but then I never I did. I just sensed she was behind me.

"You're angry."

"Damn right I am." I knew if I turned around I was dangerously close to slugging one Henrietta Lange, and I didn't fancy the broken bones that such an attempt would most likely leave me. Not to mention that would just push me one step closer towards my father.

"To answer your unspoken question, Mr. Deeks, your wife was taken home by Ms. Jones to calm down and Mr. Callen and Mr. Hanna are confined to desk duty. There have been some changes at the Office of Special Projects."

"Well that's a first. You, answering a question. Too bad you don't do that when directly asked." I could only hope she would drown in the sarcasm I was using.

"It would seem you caused quite a bit of ruckus this morning." How can she sound so damn calm?

"That was the intent."

"Have you considered talking to someone? Nate, perhaps?"

"Have you considered talking to Nate about your delusional God complex?" That was snarky and probably not the best way to address one next of kin, however long that may be.

"Excuse me?" I wish I could see her face at the moment.

"You heard me. You kept encouraging me to go after Kensi. She told me what you said to her before our little Romania vacation. Then when we finally take that next step, and show me, us what it means to have everything I wished for, but never had, you rip it apart." I knew I should stop right there, but the wound was open, and the words just kept flowing. "I still can't help but think this was all so I would become an agent. I was staying a cop, and you just couldn't stand the idea that someone wouldn't follow you blindly into the storm. You are devious enough to do something like this to get your way. You used Kensi to manipulate me into becoming an agent, because you couldn't stand someone turning you down. But's what worse than that, is the fact you used Kensi to manipulate me into my father." The fear in Sabatino's eyes flashed in my head as nausea rumbled in my stomach. "And for what I did to get Kensi back, I will never forgive you."

"Mr. Deeks, I was simply trying to give Kensi some closure…"

I stood up and spun on her so abruptly, that she took a step back. Any other time I would have been proud of myself for surprising her, but now, now it seemed to me like she was afraid of me. And yes the thought did nothing to ease the rumblings in my gut, in fact it increased it. "Don't!" I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. With what I am sure was a visible effort, I continued "Just don't please. The road to hell is paved with good intentions, and I knocking on the gates right now. If that was the case then you wouldn't have withheld vital information from Kensi, Granger, and the rest of us." Another deep breath. The ocean breezes weren't as calming as before. "Look Hetty, I will be forever thankful that you brought me in and showed me what I had been missing. If not for you I would never have met Kensi, and I would never have known what it was like to be truly happy, even if it was extremely brief. So for that I will thank you. But for ever thing else, for pushing into what I have tried so hard to leave behind, for making sure that you won't be the only one spending their twilight years, cold, bitter and alone, there will never be forgiveness." She just stood silently, almost dumbstruck. "It's too bad someone else never had the guts to talk to you this way. Could have saved a lot of heartbreak over the years." I just left her standing in the sand. I briefly wondered if she had tried to tender her resignation only to have Callen find the wiggle room in keeping her at the OSP. Didn't matter anymore, I couldn't work with her. My trust and faith was gone. She had gotten what she wanted briefly, as just as I did. I was tired, so very tired. I wondered what nightmares would haunt my dreams this time. The future we both had and wanted was gone, nothing but ashes. The breeze off of the Pacific blew colder and I shivered.

**Please tell me what you think even if you think it sucks. Constructive criticism is very helpful. While I do enjoy favorites and follows, I can't be sure if I am writing the characters correctly. So thanks for reading and please leave a review.**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N I changed the order on the lyrics of the songs, as I felt that those particular lines fit these two a little better. Here it is the talk. This one was a little harder to get right. I have rewritten it three times at least, completely scrapping what I had before, especially after 5x17. Maybe I have turned the page to quickly, maybe not. **

**I am doing something a little different here, I am writing the same scene from both Deeks and Kensi's POV. I feel it's important to see what both are thinking for where I am going. Please tell me what you think.**

**Thank You bookdiva and Bamie02 for helping to me get this right, and for being patient with me. You two are AWESOME! I mean it. And yes there will be a happy ending for our favorite love birds.**

**Disclaimer: Nothing in the bank account, so I don't own anything from NCIS LA**

_Previously on NCIS Los Angeles: _

_Shaking my head at the implied threat, I stumbled over to the door and opened it. Monty shot through it and proceeded to maul Kensi in a good way. After giving Monty some loving, she stood up and looked at me. Even with the obvious tear tracks down her face and wearing sweats and a suspiciously familiar LAPD hoodie, she still took my breath away with her beauty._

"_Hi" She shyly spoke._

"_Hi, yourself" I wasn't sure what to do next._

"_Can I come in?"_

"_Well we are married, what's mine is yours, and what's yours is yours." A tiny crack of smile started to form. "Besides I am pretty sure I gave you a key."_

"_I wasn't sure if I was welcome." The hitch in her voice did not belong there._

"_Oh Princess, Fern, You're always welcome here." I pulled her into my arms and dropped a kiss on the top of her head. "Come on, let's talk."_

I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away.

Cause I'm broken when I'm open

And I don't feel like I am strong enough

Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome

And I don't feel right when you've gone away

Broken by Seether feat. Amy Lee

How long we stood there in the doorway, I don't know. I wasn't sure if she wanted to start, or if I was supposed to start, all I knew is that she had come to me. She wanted to make this work. It just felt so good, so right to hold her in my arms right now. If only we were lucky enough that this would fix everything. But I knew wouldn't and that we had to talk about what had happened. I just started to lead her back into my, our place, and closed the door. Never letting go of Kensi, I gently moved us back to the couch. "Do you want something to drink? I've got a few beers in the frig." I was trying to break the ice.

"Just some water, I don't think beers would be very good at this time." I just looked at her. Kensi was turning down a beer? Had I really upset her that much? Or was she hiding something else from me? "No seriously, I don't think alcohol is really a good choice right now. It might change how we say things or how we interpret them. Our communication sucks bad enough, without throwing anything else to the mix" Ok I could buy that, maybe.

I left her standing as I went to the kitchen to get us both water, if she wasn't drinking neither was I. I could feel Kensi scanning the room, taking in everything about the place. Even with my OCD tendencies, it was pretty obvious that I hadn't been living here for a while.

"Hey Deeks, what is this?"

"What is what?"

"This." Kensi was holding a prescription bottle. Damn it, I had left it on the coffee table. "That's a pretty strong dose of Ambien. Having trouble sleeping again?" The concern in her voice made my knees weak.

"A little, I mean you weren't here to help with the nightmares." As soon as I said it, I saw her face drop. If I could kick my own ass, I would have. Here she is trying to make things work, and I make her feel like crap. "No… God, Kens that's not what I meant. It's just…."

"Then for once just say what you mean Deeks. What you are you feeling?" Fire flashed in her eyes, and I quickly closed the distance between us. "Without kissing me."

"You want to know how I feel? Do you really?" It came a lot harsher than I intended.

"I wouldn't have asked. Please."

"I feel hurt, betrayed. Anger, bitter. That's what I feel. Right now. Hurt and betrayed by you, after I found your ring. I understand why you had to meet with him." Never had I put such spite into a word, Kensi cringing as I spoke. "I just don't get why you did it the way you did it. No backup, no weapons, and leaving your ring behind, that was just the icing on the cake. I thought we were past the whole rogue operative after Clairmont showed up in our lives. But even then you weren't stupid enough to go that far." She opened her mouth. "I'm not done, Kensi. You wanted to hear what I am feeling, I'm not done. We deal with the bad and the ugly every day. Some of things we have to do to win, I am not proud of. In fact I am disgusted by a lot of it. We have to bury it inside. There are times I feel who I am, and what I show the world is nothing but a shell. But when I am with you, I don't have to hide behind a facade of humor and sarcasm. I have someone who knows what I do and can help keep the demons at bay. And I am scared that everything I want is gone. I love you Kensi." Her eyes opened wide with shock, and a blush colored her cheeks. And I realized that was the first time I had ever spoken those words to her. "I love you." I flopped down on the couch exhausted, holding my head between my hands.

"And I'm tired Kens. So very damn tired. I'm tired of being treated different because I was a cop as opposed to an agent. So tired of being patient with you, trying to show what you mean to me, that what we have and what we can have is worth it."

"Deeks look at me." Her hand gently grasped my chin and raised my face to look into her eyes. "You're right. How I did it was wrong. I shouldn't have left without backup or my weapons. What I did to you was no different than what Jack did to me. I ran when times got tough between us. And I am sorry, so sorry." She slowly climbed into my lap and straddled me. "But I left my ring behind for a very simple reason. If something went wrong, I couldn't let them use you as a weapon against me. Or even worse use me to hurt you. The idea of you having to come rescue me, and somebody using my ring to taunt you, it would kill me. Leaving my ring behind was the second hardest thing I have ever done in my life." She lowered her head into my shoulder. "Only having to leave you in that chair was harder." She sobbed quietly "I am so sorry, so very sorry; I never meant to cause you so much pain."

We just sat there quietly holding each other. "I am sorry as well. I should have said I loved you sooner."

"You let me fall apart without letting go. You pick up the pieces and make me whole. You are the only who knows me. The only one who broke in through the walls I made. I don't know how I would ever go on without you. I love you." My heart flipped it a bit. "So how are you sleeping" We both needed some time to process what each other had said, so I followed along with her change of subject.

"I was doing pretty good before all this came to a head. Almost five to six hours a night, I was just using it when I couldn't get my mind to shut down. I actually had a pretty decent nap, before you came over, without the pills thank you very much."

"Did you talk to someone, like Nate perhaps?" She was playing with my shirt, trying to keep her fidgeting under control.

A chuckle escaped from my mouth, as I thought back to the beach earlier today. "That's the second time someone suggested I talk to Nate today."

"Oh?" Kensi questioned me with her eyes.

"Well, I also told Hetty she might want to talk to him as well. Get some help for her delusional God complex."

I am positive that even the night I said we should just elope didn't shock Kensi as much as what I just said. I was starting to get worried, when finally she started to giggle. "You didn't?"

"Scout's honor." Somewhere along the way our hands had intertwined, and were now resting on her stomach just below Kens' heart. I felt her tense up again. "Kenselina, what is it?" The beautiful mismatched eyes looked into mine, and then down at our hands. I noticed that she was wearing her ring, something else that made my stomach flip. "Princess, don't stop now. Cause I am going to need a beer if this keeps up." She flinched at the mention of beer, and OH! MY! GOD!

*******NCIS LA*******

I didn't want to escape

From the bricks I laid down

You are the only one

The only one that sees me

You are the only one

The only one that knows me

Damn, you leave defenseless

So break in

Break In by Halestorm

How long we stood there in the doorway, I don't know. I wasn't sure if I should start, or if he was supposed to start, all I knew is that he was holding me. I so wanted to make this work. It just felt so good, so right to be here in his arms right now. If only we were lucky enough that this would fix everything. But I knew wouldn't and that we had to talk about what had happened. He started to lead me back into his, our place, and closed the door. Never letting go of me, Deeks gently moved us back to the couch. "Do you want something to drink? I've got a few beers in the frig." He was trying to break the ice.

"Just some water, I don't think beers would be very good at this time." He just looked at me. I knew what he was thinking, Kensi was turning down a beer? What was going on here? "No seriously, I don't think alcohol is really a good choice right now. It might change how we say things or how we interpret them. Our communication sucks bad enough, without throwing anything else to the mix" I think he might have bought that, though it sounded pretty weak to my ears as well.

He left me to go into the kitchen and I could hear water running, as I looked over the apartment that didn't look like it had changed that much since I was the last time. Even taking in Deeks OCD cleaning tendencies, it was obvious that he hadn't been spending much time here. Of course, getting back to my place and seeing it, I knew where he had been sleeping at. Or maybe not, when I saw a prescription bottle on the coffee table

"Hey Deeks, what is this?"

"What is what?"

"This." Deeks looked at the bottle in my hand, and his face fell. "That's a pretty strong dose of Ambien. Having trouble sleeping again?" It bothered me that I wasn't here for him and he had turned to drugs to help him.

"A little, I mean you weren't here to help with the nightmares." Guilt washed over me. Why couldn't I have just said to Hetty to shove it? "No… God, Kens that's not what I meant. It's just…."

"Then for once just say what you mean Deeks. What you are you feeling?" Damn it! Not this crap again. I knew he saw my face, because he quickly strode over to me. "Without kissing me."

"You want to know how I feel? Do you really?" It was harsh, and just not Deeks.

"I wouldn't have asked. Please." I was almost begging.

"I feel hurt, betrayed. Anger, bitter. That's what I feel. Right now. Hurt and betrayed by you, after I found your ring. I understand why you had to meet with him." I couldn't help it, I cringed. I have never heard Deeks speak that way about anyone, not even his own father. "I just don't get why you did it the way you did it. No backup, no weapons, and leaving your ring behind, that was just the icing on the cake. I thought we were past the whole rogue operative after Clairmont showed up in our lives. But even then you weren't stupid enough to go that far." I started to speak up, but he just bored right on through. "I'm not done, Kensi. You wanted to hear what I am feeling, I'm not done. We deal with the bad and the ugly every day. Some of things we have to do to win, I am not proud of. In fact I am disgusted by a lot of it. We have to bury it inside. There are times I feel who I am, and what I show the world is nothing but a shell. But when I am with you, I don't have to hide behind a facade of humor and sarcasm. I have someone who knows what I do and can help keep the demons at bay. And I am scared that everything I want is gone. I love you Kensi." My heart stopped. I knew he loved me. But he had never said it; no one had ever said that to me with such intensity "I love you." Deeks flopped backwards on the couch exhausted, holding his head between his hands.

"And I'm tired Kens. So very damn tired. I'm tired of being treated different because I was a cop as opposed to an agent. So tired of being patient with you, trying to show what you mean to me, that what we have and what we can have is worth it."

"Deeks look at me." I gently grabbed his chin, fully expecting him to flinch. The last time my hands was this close to his face, I had decked him. I tilted his head up to look into his eyes so clouded with pain and weariness. "You're right. How I did it was wrong. I shouldn't have left without backup or my weapons. What I did to you was no different than what Jack did to me. I ran when times got tough between us. And I am sorry, so sorry." It was true. What made me so different from Jack? What I did to Deeks was not different than what happened nine years ago. I slowly climbed into his lap and straddled him. "But I left my ring behind for a very simple reason. If something went wrong, I couldn't let them use you as a weapon against me. Or even worse use me to hurt you. The idea of you having to come rescue me, and somebody using my ring to taunt you, it would kill me. Leaving my ring behind was the second hardest thing I have ever done in my life." I lowered my head into his shoulder. "Only having to leave you in that chair was harder." I sobbed quietly "I am so sorry, so very sorry; I never meant to cause you so much pain."

We just sat there quietly holding each other. "I am sorry as well. I should have said I loved you sooner."

"You let me fall apart without letting go. You pick up the pieces and make me whole. You are the only who knows me. The only one who broke in through the walls I made. I don't know how I would ever go on without you. I love you." I felt his heart rate pick up a bit. I truely didn't deserve this man. "So how are you sleeping" I just wanted to enjoy the sensation those three little words had on the two of us.

"I was doing pretty good before all this came to a head. Almost five to six hours a night, I was just using it when I couldn't get my mind to shut down. I actually had a pretty decent nap, before you came over, without the pills thank you very much."

"Did you talk to someone, like Nate perhaps?" I was playing with his shirt, just enjoying the closeness.

A sound I had not heard far too long, a honest chuckle. "That's the second time someone suggested I talk to Nate today."

"Oh?" I wondered who else he talked to, maybe Sam? I knew the two of them had grown closer over the last year.

"Well, I also told Hetty she might want to talk to him as well. Get some help for her delusional God complex."

Even when I had confronted him into speaking what he meant, and he said he wanted to elope, hadn't shocked me as much as what he just said. "You didn't?" I giggled

"Scout's honor." Somewhere along the way our hands had intertwined, and were now resting on my stomach where our child lay growing. I needed to tell him. "Kenselina, what is it?" I looked into those eyes that somewhere along the way I crawled into and drowned in. I slowly lowered my gaze to our hands. I saw his ring missing, and remembered that it was still at Nell's "Princess, don't stop now. Cause I am going to need a beer if this keeps up." I couldn't help it, I just flinched at the mention of beer, and I saw and felt the truth of what I was communicating hit him.

**Please tell me what you think even if you think it sucks. Constructive criticism is very helpful. While I do enjoy favorites and follows, I can't be sure if I am writing the characters correctly. So thanks for reading and please leave a review.**


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N Just because Deeks and Kensi have talked doesn't mean the road is any smoother. This one was rough to write. Sometimes writing first person is not easy at all. Hopefully I drive nobody away with this chapter, because it is necessary for the next two chapters. But at least I have given you some inkling of a happy outcome for our favorite couple with "Daycare Deliberations" and "Unexpected Surprise ". Yes that was a shameless plug. So please read and let me know your thoughts.**

**Disclaimer: Nothing in the bank account, so I don't own anything from NCIS LA**

_Previously on NCIS Los Angeles: _

"_Well, I also told Hetty she might want to talk to him as well. Get some help for her delusional God complex."_

_Even when I had confronted him into speaking what he meant, and he said he wanted to elope, hadn't shocked me as much as what he just said. "You didn't?" I giggled_

"_Scout's honor." Somewhere along the way our hands had intertwined, and were now resting on my stomach where our child lay growing. I needed to tell him. "Kenselina, what is it?" I looked into those eyes that somewhere along the way I crawled into and drowned in. I slowly lowered my gaze to our hands. I saw his ring missing, and remembered that it was still at Nell's "Princess, don't stop now. Cause I am going to need a beer if this keeps up." I couldn't help it, I just flinched at the mention of beer, and I saw and felt the truth of what I was communicating hit him._

He tightened up so much that Deeks could have been a statue, and in his eyes I saw a war between joy and self-loathing and doubt. I knew he that he had a rough childhood, and that he had shot his own father. From what glimpses of his past I have had, both from him and his friend Ray, part of what drove Deeks was to be everything that his father was not. I knew that he was good with kids; I couldn't have babysat Sam and Michelle's kids without him. I was also almost positive having mutant ninja assassins with me was probably at the top of his bucket list. So why was he so scared? No, Deeks wasn't just scared, he was petrified.

"Deeks are you ok?" It was like talking to a rock. Here I was trying to tell him that what he said he wanted in the letter was happening, and I was getting no response. What the hell was happening? "Deeks, hello, Deeks….. This better not be your idea of a joke." Now I was starting to get scared. This man on the couch with me was not the man who I saw take a little girl who had just lost her father and play on the trampoline. What had happened? I was supposed to be the one who wasn't wild about kids in this relationship. "Damn it Deeks say something! Please." I really didn't like how Deeks' reaction was making me feel. I am Bad Ass Blye for heaven's sake; I shouldn't be sounding so unsure.

"Kens….. Kensi are we…. Are we pregnant?" Deeks was hesitant, gone was the cocky and confidant man who saw the optimism in the world. But the fact that he said we instead of you gave me a small glimmer of hope.

"Yes. I didn't know until I got checked out in the FOB medical station. With everything going on, being separated from you, not knowing who to trust, trying to deal with all the crap thrown at me, I didn't notice the changes or I just pushed them off as stress." We needed to be honest with each other, because it was a little hard to deny that we had a thing now. "I didn't say anything, then because… well you know we were right back to crappy communication skills."

I think he wanted to jump up and start pacing, but I was still in his lap. "Oh My God, Kens. Please you need to stay away from me. Please." The sorrow and agony in his voice ripped into my heart.

"What?"

"All I am going to do is hurt you and our child. Please you have to leave. I am begging you." I knew what a panic attack was, I had seen it before. For whatever reason, the thought of our child had pushed Deeks further than anything Sidirov had managed to do to him. Deeks' breathing became ragged and I thought he was going to pass out.

"Deeks, I know you will never hurt me or our child. I trust you, more than I have ever trusted anyone in my life."

Kensi, please Kensi leave before I hurt you. I am no better than my father. What I would have done to Sabatino had Sam hadn't stopped was just wrong Kens. I felt sick afterwards, but I couldn't control myself. Earlier today I it was all I could do to not punch Hetty." He stared at the floor, desperately trying not look at me, even though I was still in his lap.

With tears in my eyes, I reached up to grab his face again and tilted his head so Deeks was forced to look into my eyes. "Deeks, you are not your father. You are the most kind, caring, loving man I have ever known. You are the man I love. You will love our child, and will never do anything to harm it. You said you felt sick after what happened to Sabatino, right?" A slow nod, it was better than nothing. "And you still feel sick over it, don't you?" Another nod, ok we were starting to get somewhere. "And you didn't strike Hetty, did you?" This was an almost violent shake of his head, sending his hair flying like Monty shaking his fur after a swim in the ocean. "That proves that you are better than your father. I don't know what all your father did to you, I can guess, but I know, I trust that you will never do that our child. And I am not leaving you again Deeks. I am in it for the long haul."

"I'm so scared Kens." This time I drew his head into my shoulder, and held him gently as Deeks whimpered. "I want this so bad Kens, but what if I'm too broken for this?"

"Shh, partner. We'll figure it out, we always do. And you're not broke, just bent. You once told me that it was a love story, and every love story has rocky stretches." We just held each other gently until emotionally drained we both drifted off to sleep.

*****NCIS LA*****

I woke up with what might just be the worse crick in my neck I have ever had, yet I felt surprisingly refreshed. Kens was sleeping in my arms. Last night had been rough. The idea of being a father was terrifying right now, and also exhilarating, I knew I needed help. Unfortunately, Hetty was the only one who knew where Nate was at the moment, and I really didn't relish the idea of talking to her anytime soon. Kens and I both had a long road ahead of us, and who could we talk to if we couldn't contact Nate? Who did we both trust enough to help us? Then it hit me, what about Sam and Michelle? Both were agents, although they weren't partners, they were married to each other and had children. How did they do it? Could they help us?

Monty started whining at the door, and as much as I hated to do it, I started to disentangle myself from Kens. Somehow I managed to do it without waking her up, she must really be exhausted. I walked over and let Monty out into the backyard, and slipped into the kitchen to make some coffee. Could Kensi have caffeine? I didn't know, but I also didn't have any decaf coffee at all. After I started the pot brewing, I walked back over to the couch, and just stared down at her. She looked so peaceful; it was a sight I had longed to see for so long. Then I noticed both our phones were flashing. I grabbed mine, and checked it. It was a text message from the OSP, stating that I was needed there by ten hundred hours. It was just after seven, so I had plenty of time to wake Kens.

"Good morning Sunshine." I started off by gentling shaking her. "You need to wake up."

"Don't want to." Kens grumbled into my cat pillow. "Just a little longer."

"Ok I am going to go take a shower. I have to be at the Mission by ten o'clock. I 've made coffee."

"What? Why?" Kens lifted her face from the pillow and glared at me balefully. "I thought you resigned yesterday. Why do you have to go in?"

"Don't know, got a text this morning. Bet you that you have a similar one as well." She grabbed her phone and looked at it. With a curt nod of her head, Kens confirmed that she received the same request, or order depending how you looked at it. I knew just what she was thinking as the thought entered her head. "You can shower here, we'll swing by your place to get a change of clothes, grab some donuts, and then head in."

Kens was just staring at me thoughtfully. She pursed those lips "Mind if I join you? I'm nothing but eco-friendly." And really how could I could I say no to that.

**Please don't hurt me; I did leave you on a good note at least. Please tell me what you think even if you think it sucks. Constructive criticism is very helpful. While I do enjoy favorites and follows, I can't be sure if I am writing the characters correctly. So thanks for reading and please leave a review.**


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N Sorry about the span of time between updates. Real life decided to rear its ugly head, and I had to deal with some crap from my past. But I am back, and hopefully won't be as long the next time with an update. So please read and enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: Nothing in the bank account, so I don't own anything from NCIS LA**

_Previously on NCIS Los Angeles: _

"_What? Why?" Kens lifted her face from the pillow and glared at me balefully. "I thought you resigned yesterday. Why do you have to go in?"_

"_Don't know, got a text this morning. Bet you that you have a similar one as well." She grabbed her phone and looked at it. With a curt nod of her head, Kens confirmed that she received the same request, or order depending how you looked at it. I knew just what she was thinking as the thought entered her head. "You can shower here, we'll swing by your place to get a change of clothes, grab some donuts, and then head in."_

_Kens was just staring at me thoughtfully. She pursed those lips "Mind if I join you? I'm nothing but eco-friendly." And really how could I could I say no to that. _

After what had just become my number one shower of all time, however brief it was, we got out and got dressed. Making sure Monty was set for the day, we hopped in the SRX and Kens drove to her, our place and I made a mental note that we needed to figure out where we were going to live. Kens apartment was bigger than mine, and was dog friendly, but I wasn't exactly sure it was safe for raising a child. It would be really embarrassing to lose our kid under a pile of mail or knick knacks or whatever. The drive over was fairly subdued, but our old banter was back somewhat. We bickered over the radio, and I let her win, but she at least kept the volume down somewhat on that horrible techno junk.

We went together and while she was getting changed, I stayed out in the seating room, just looking around at the place I had called home until two nights ago. Monty's favorite dog bed was next to the couch, and the hoarder look was slightly less than usual. Even missing Kens as much as I did my OCD just wouldn't let me go. I had to pick up a little, just a little mind you; I didn't want to change too much for when Kens came home. Before I knew it she had changed her clothes so we didn't have a repeat of the morning that Hetty decided to make me believe that she was punishing me. It wouldn't be good to have a repeat of that day again this soon or ever for that matter. She gave me a wry smile, even as hard as I tried to steel my emotions and keep it from showing on my face, it would never work with her, Kens just knew what I was thinking.

"Don't worry Shaggy. Since you resigned they can't separate us as partners again, can they?" She was trying to lighten the mood, but Kens' humor wasn't on par with mine is, was before all this crap rained down on our heads.

"No but Hetty could transfer you somewhere else again, and this time somewhere permanent." I couldn't keep myself from blurting out.

"I doubt Hetty, can do anything like that at the moment. She has been suspended pending a review." I knew I couldn't keep the shock off of my face, because Kens giggled. I had really missed that sound. "You didn't know?" I just shook my head. "The morning you resigned, she was sending Sam and G out to find you and bring you back; Granger stepped in and suspended her per orders by Director Vance."

"Wow. Wonder why she didn't say anything yesterday when we were at the beach?"

"She was probably in shock from you talking back to her the way you did" This time the laughter reached her eyes, another thing that I had missed.

"Touché"

"Exactly, touché."

I just groaned. "Kensalina, we really need to work on your use of that word."

"I do use it properly"

"No you don't"

"Yes I do"

"NO you don't"

A single eyebrow raised, Kens just looked at me "Feel better now?" And amazingly enough I did.

"I see what you did there, and thank you."

"No problem that's what partners are for. Now let's get moving or we will be late partner." Kens was already moving towards the door, giving me a shoulder bump as she went past me.

"Ummm, Kens, I resigned, how exactly am I your partner still?"

"You know for being the second smartest person I know, and if you tell anyone that I'll deny it, you can be quite the idiot. Marriage is a partnership right?" Ok, I could work that. I could feel a huge grin breaking through on my face at her words. Yeah I definitely could work with that.

The car ride to the Mission was filled with our usual banter. It wasn't quite back to normal, but it was definitely getting there. Then knowing the way my brain works and a thought just popped into my head and I had to know. I was hesitant, but needed to ask "So Kens, have you set up a doctor's appointment yet?"

"No, to be honest the thought hadn't really crossed my mind yet." She paused concentrating on the road. "I know I need to, but it just makes it more real you know?"

"Would you mind if I went with you?" I was hoping it sounded a lot more confident to her ears than mine. Kens was pregnant with our child, she was giving me the chance to push myself beyond my father's legacy once and for all. It was joyous and terrifying at once.

"Why wouldn't I want you there? Actually I think I am going to need you there. You are the one who is good with kids, remember? I actually suck with kids. I would have been lost without you at Sam's house."

"Kens, you're not that bad with kids. Remember Javier, and you could have handled Michelle Jr. just fine on your own." I absolutely hated it when she talked down about herself. "I am the one we need to worry about."

"Deeks you are not your father. I don't know how many times I am going to have to say it, but I will keep on saying it until you get it through your thick skull." Her eyes were snapping with fire, and then noticeably softened. "You are the most kind, caring, and trustworthy man I know. I know you're feeling bad right now about what happened over in Af… there" Inhaling deeply to steady her nerves, Kens continued "That's part of what makes you better than him." She paused, obviously deep in thought. "You don't have to answer right now or ever for that matter. But, just so you know I am here and willing to listen. Is Max Gentry based on your father? Is that reason you can't stand being him so much?"

I was floored. I hadn't said much about my family history. I am sure that the Evil Witch of NCIS was probably writing my autobiography as we speak, but outside of telling Kens about shooting good ole Dad when I was eleven and some vague hints of my childhood, I had never really told anybody. But then I do have a trained federal investigator as a partner. "A big reason I hate Max Gentry, at least lately, is that it never seems to end well for us when I have to be him. Every time I am him around you Kens, I hurt you. That is something I can't stand to deal with. Max is…. is… yeah you could say Max is my father. So in essence I am my father. That's why I am so terrified about you and our child. What if I snap and strike you or her?"

"Her? Why do you say we're having a girl? We could be having a boy. Or do you want a girl? I am definitely not sure I am up to raising a girl."

Now she was getting worked up, and I wasn't going to allow that. "Ok you need to relax Princess. We'll figure it out as we go. And it doesn't matter what we have as long as it is half you and half jungle cat."

"We always do." Kens gave me a brief smile. "Anyways, I don't see why you can't come with me. It's not like I am going into the field anytime soon and you should have plenty free time now." She paused as a thought obviously struck her. "What are you going to do now? And what about money? I don't make enough to support both of us and a child." She starting breathing rapidly.

"Fern, Fern calm down." It was like my words were going in one ear and out the other. "Kens. Kens. KENSI!" Her head snapped around to glare at me for daring to raise my voice at her. "You didn't leave me much choice there Sunshine. I was going to say I have been putting away quite a bit of money. Before I met you, I really didn't have any reason to spend it all. We'll be alright for a while. As for as a job, I doubt NCIS will let me back in, and I can't work Hetty ever again. Sending you over there to aid a suspected terrorist, and making me believe that it was my fault for almost three months straight sot of destroyed what trust I had in her. Bates would move heaven and hell to get me back in the LAPD, but I don't want the long term undercover OPs that would take me away from you, that I would be sure to get. And I really don't want to be a lawyer again." I took a deep breath, trying to come up with an idea. Then it hit me. "I know. Oh this perfect Kens. Absolutely perfect!"

"Deeks, just tell me already." Kens huffed out, determined to rain on my parade.

"I'll become a private investigator. A shamus. A gumshoe. And you can resign from NCIS and become a bounty hunter. We'll be Deeks & Blye, private crime fighters and looking good while doing it."

This earned me a punch in the arm. "I knew you read my diary. And why do you get top billing?"

"I thought it was a journal?"

**Please tell me what you think even if you think it sucks. Constructive criticism is very helpful. While I do enjoy favorites and follows, I can't be sure if I am writing the characters correctly. So thanks for reading and please leave a review.**


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N Here we go with the next update. I am thinking about two or three more chapters before wrapping this up. Hopefully real life will settle down and I can get them finished and loaded up fairly quickly. Thanks for reading and enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: Nothing in the bank account, so I don't own anything from NCIS LA**

_Previously on NCIS Los Angeles: _

"_You didn't leave me much choice there Sunshine. I was going to say I have been putting away quite a bit of money. Before I met you, I really did any reason to spend it all. We'll be alright for a while. As for as a job, I doubt NCIS will let me back in, and I can't work Hetty ever again. Sending you over there to aid a suspected terrorist, and making me believe that it was my fault for almost three months straight sot of destroyed what trust I had in her. Bates would move heaven and hell to get me back in the LAPD, but I don't want the long term undercover OPs that would take me away from you, that I would be sure to get. And I really don't want to be a lawyer again." I took a deep breath, trying to come up with an idea. Then it hit me. "I know. Oh this perfect Kens. Absolutely perfect!"_

"_Deeks, just tell me already." Kens huffed out, determined to rain on my parade._

"_I'll become a private investigator. A shamus. A gumshoe. And you can resign from NCIS and become a bounty hunter. We'll be Deeks & Blye, private crime fighters and looking good while doing it."_

_This earned me a punch in the arm. "I knew you read my diary. And why do you get top billing?"_

"_I thought it was a journal?"_

Hetty's Jag was nowhere to be seen when we got to the Mission. Today the absurdity of it all just struck me, with the amount of cars that were parked in the underground garage of a supposedly condemned old Spanish mission. That was an awful amount of traffic for what is supposed to be a top secret base for an off the books division of NCIS. It looked like everybody was here today. The night crew hadn't left yet, and it was obvious that some of the agents who were out on long term assignments had to have been pulled back in. All of which told me just how serious this meeting was, beyond the fact that I had resigned as both an Agent and as LAPD liaison and I had been ordered to show up this morning.

Kensi parked the SRX and we entered into the main lobby of the Mission. Kens was nervous, and I laid my hand at the small of her back, knowing it would calm her. It worked, but not as well as I would have preferred. The room was packed, and we moved through our various coworkers towards our desks, even though I wasn't sure I still had a desk. I didn't clean it out yesterday, so maybe that was why I summoned here this morning. Everyone was just milling around, obviously waiting on something to happen. I figured we were all waiting on Hetty. I did notice even some of the techs from the OPs were down here, though I didn't see Nell or Eric at the moment.

My desk hadn't been touched and the bullpen was surprisingly uncrowded for the amount of people here this morning. I was about to say something to Callen when Sam noticed me, and just shook his head. I stepped back just a bit in understanding; Callen was ticked and didn't want to be dealing with the Deeks special, even if the Deeks special had been sorely lacking lately.

"What's going on Sam?" Obviously Kens felt that the time for discretion was long gone.

"Granger and Deputy Director Craig are up in OPs right now. We're all waiting to hear what they have to say." Sam was never one to spread rumors, though he probably heard some good ones this morning. At his words Callen looked up from his desk to glance at us before returning his gaze to his laptop. What I saw, and from the gasp Kensi let escape she saw it as well, shocked me. There was anger and resentment, but while it was some was definitely directed at me or both Kensi and I, the majority of it seemed to be at his self. That was the most emotion I think I have ever seen on Callen's face unless he was undercover. Sam looked back at me. "Don't take this wrong way Deeks, but what are you doing here? Didn't you resign?"

"He did. But Deeks got the text as well. He told me about the texts this morning after I woke up." Kens was a little hostile in her defense of me.

"Easy Tiger. While it's incredibly hot to have you defending my honor, Sam has a point." I shot Kens one of those grins that I know exactly how it affects her. "Honestly, I figured it was to get my desk cleaned out. I am going to miss this place."

Sam grabbed me and pulled me into a bro hug. "How are you doing Deeks?" The concern he had for me while not unexpected was still something I wasn't used to. "If you need to talk, I am here. Not going to say it will be easy or that I will be good at it, but I am going to do my best for you."

I glanced at Kensi, if she had heard she wasn't acknowledging it. "Better than I was. Thanks Sam. Maybe later. But right now let's try and figure out what's going on."

Sam nodded. "Don't let it eat at you."

"Will do."

Out of nowhere Nell appeared and hugged Kens, before turning and grabbing me. "Thank you for bringing Kensi home. And for not making me come over and kick your butt last night. Are you two good?" I gave my little sister a grinning nod. She whispered into my ear. "Congratulations as well." I sent a look at Kensi that was much harsher than I intended. These shocks to my system weren't playing well with my ability to hide behind my façade. "Don't worry, Kens didn't tell me. I figured it out. Nobody else knows, or at least no one has said anything. Just remember your closest friends are highly trained investigators."

Before I could say anything else, Nell slipped through the crowd and started up the stairs. It wasn't too long after that, both Granger and a man I had never seen before walked out onto the balcony, and waited for Nell to join them. It was reasonable to assume that the unknown suit was this Deputy Director Sam was talking about, but lately my first impressions seem to be a little off, so I just waited. I moved up to be beside Kens, for whatever reason it seemed that personal contact was needed whenever we were about to get major news. Worst case scenarios were running through my head, the Office of Special Projects would be dissolved and Kens would get assigned Special Agent in Charge at Adak Alaska or something equally horrible.

"Everybody listen up." How Granger managed to project his crushing gravel voice over the babble over the crowded lobby without raising his voice, is a trick I need to learn. "Deputy Director Craig has a few words for us." For some reason the term us sounded very ominous.

"Thank You Assistant Director. I am Deputy Director of NCIS Jerome Craig. Director Vance sent me out here to handle some problems that have popped out here at the Office of Special Projects. I hate this, this is not who I am." That statement was not designed to make anyone's nerves calm, as Craig paused to take a drink of his coffee. "In case you haven't heard. Operations Manager Henrietta Lange has been relieved pending a review and investigation. This action was not taken lightly. In fact there are quite a few movers and shakers back on in DC who wants this office dissolved completely." A pin could have dropped in the room as what this Craig had just said began to sink in. "However, SECNAV, Director Vance, and Assistant Director Granger, I and quite a few other higher up in other agencies feel this would be not be in the best interests of the United States at this time. So we are making some changes. We know that this will have long term reaching repercussions upon this office." Murmurs around us started getting louder, as Callen's face fell a little more. "Effective immediately, Assistant Director Granger will be taking over responsibilities as Operations Manager, temporarily. Nell Jones and G Callen will be splitting duties as Assistant Operations Manager." Even Sam looked surprised at the last statement. Callen just shrugged, it was obvious that if Callen had known about this, he hadn't even told Sam. "We will be speaking to all of you, whether it is by section, teams or as individuals. Please hold any questions until that time. Thank You. Now let's start with Agent Callen's team. Please meet us in the OPs center in five minutes. And yes Mr. Deeks that does include you." With that the three of them turned in walked back into Ops.

"Trust me Sam, I didn't have a clue that this was coming down the lines." The two of them may not be able to non-verbally communicate on the level Kens and I did, otherwise Sam might have some explaining to do to Michelle, but Callen answered Sam's unspoken question. "Despite what has happened lately," Bitterness clouded Callen's voice. "This is the best team I have ever worked with, and I don't want to see anything happen to it. You guys are the family I have never had." His eyes sought mine. "Deeks, I do owe you an apology. I should have done things differently. Your worth to this team is incalculable. Just because you refused to become an agent until your back was shoved in the corner, shouldn't have meant anything. You have proven yourself numerous times. I hope we can work something out to keep you around." Just then a hint of the old Callen showed. "We just need to keep Kensi around. That's how you roll right?" I couldn't help the grin that cracked my face. "But we are still having the talk about my little brother and little sister marrying each other." From the look on Kens' face she hadn't thought about in that light, but with a shrug of her shoulders, she decided it didn't matter what others think. What that did for my mood was awesome, we were getting closer to the shore of our frozen lake. "Now let's go see what other changes the powers that be have in store for us."

Kens and I shoulder bumped on the way up the stairs, not caring in the world that it hadn't been five minutes since Craig told us to meet him Ops. Sam and Callen were pretty subdued, but honestly the way things were changing, I couldn't blame them. Change is never easy. Ever since Hetty making me the LAPD liaison I had been turning their world upside down. I didn't think my actions were the main reason for Hetty's removal, but I couldn't help but feel somewhat guilty for our surrogate mother's absence, even if I did think she had used Kens for her own personal agenda. As much as I hated my actions during the Fisk case, I could understand it. This time I could not even fathom the reasoning behind it, of course what had happened to me over there might be coloring my feelings just a little bit. The only possible excuse I could come up with was that Hetty had sent Kensi over to Afghanistan to find closure. But that sounded weak even to me.

As we entered Ops you could see that Granger was annoyed since we couldn't follow the instructions of waiting five minutes. Personally I think he ought to be used to it by now, we do things our own way. Probably the main reason why was because when he yelled jump, we didn't ask how high.

"Oh good you're all here." Craig looked a little too chipper for his position. I am used to people like Bates, Granger, and Director Vance, who I swear have all had their sense of humor surgically removed. Hetty at least did show emotion other than annoyance, irritation and anger, but I wasn't going to go there right now. I might forgive her, and I wanted to hold onto the anger and hurt a little while longer. "I like that, being early. Despite the promotions you will still be leading the team Agent Callen. You will still be able to draw on Ms. Jones talents for operations in the field. Your assignments as Assistant Operations Manager are basically for the times that Assistant Director Granger is out of town. Agent Hanna will be team lead when Callen is running Operations. This team is one of the most effective NCIS has, it would be a huge waste for the recent actions to disrupt the dynamics of this unit."

"So Hetty isn't coming back?" I couldn't blame Callen for asking that, but I was still wondering why I was in on this meeting. Did Craig's statement mean I was being rehired by NCIS? Not if I had to work with Hetty again, I wasn't. Her actions over the last few months have left me with a bitter taste in my mouth.

"Unfortunately Agent Callen, Henrietta will not be returning to the Office of Special Projects." Granger always sounded like he was crushing granite when he spoke. "There is evidence that she knew who and what Jack Simon was, and that she used Agent Blye to give him a running start. It is circumstantial, but that alone is damning enough. I don't think she will be serving any time, but if, and this is a big if, Director Vance doesn't request her resignation, she will be transferred to the Navy Yard where we can keep an eye on her better. This isn't the first time she has used NCIS resources for a personal agenda." That answered that question I had. I was watching Kens to see if what Granger had said concerning her mission was bothering her. If it was, she wasn't showing it. Of course my hand at the small of her back might have been calming her as well.

"Ok so why am I here?" I expected Kensi to flick my ear for trying to be the center of the conversation. "I can understand for a debrief." Granger's face hardened briefly, I knew I screwed his plans up yesterday. "But I did resign from both the LAPD and NCIS. The liaison position was Hetty's idea. I don't think you are going to hire me back, mainly because I haven't been through FLTEC and I am not planning on going to the other side of the country now that I just got Kens back."

"No Mr. Deeks, I don't think you would." Craig was looking at me, like he could see right through me. "Director Vance told me how you acted some years ago, when Lange went over to Romania, as well made me read the reports of your actions during Agent Blye's mission to Afghanistan. Actually you are extremely talented when it comes to undercover work. You are extremely good at improvisation, and have had your cover blown only once, and that was because of your supervisor being dirty. The events leading to your incident at the hands of Sidirov" Both Sam and I visibly shivered at that name. Kensi went stiff as a board. "aren't consider being undercover. Your experience from being a detective with LAPD makes you the perfect partner for Agent Blye's forensic skills. You also have extensive contacts in the LA underworld, and legal knowledge. Director Vance would like to offer you the position of Private Contracted Consultant to the NCIS Office of Special Projects."

**Please tell me what you think even if you think it sucks. Constructive criticism is very helpful. While I do enjoy favorites and follows, I can't be sure if I am writing the characters correctly. So thanks for reading and please leave a review.**


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N Here's the next update. Thank you for all the reviews, favorites and follows.**

**Disclaimer: Nothing in the bank account, so I don't own anything from NCIS LA**

_Previously on NCIS Los Angeles:_

"_Ok so why am I here?" I expected Kensi to flick my ear for trying to be the center of the conversation. "I can understand for a debrief." Granger's face hardened briefly, I knew I screwed his plans up yesterday. "But I did resign from both the LAPD and NCIS. The liaison position was Hetty's idea. I don't think you are going to hire me back, mainly because I haven't been through FLTEC and I am not planning on going to the other side of the country now that I just got Kens back."_

"_No Mr. Deeks, I don't think you would." Craig was looking at me, like he could see right through me. "Director Vance told me how you acted some years ago, when Lange went over to Romania, as well made me read the reports of your actions during Agent Blye's mission to Afghanistan. Actually you are extremely talented when it comes to undercover work. You are extremely good at improvisation, and have had your cover blown only once, and that was because of your supervisor being dirty. The events leading to your incident at the hands of Sidirov" Both Sam and I visibly shivered at that name. Kensi went stiff as a board. "Aren't consider being undercover. Your experience from being a detective with LAPD makes you the perfect partner for Agent Blye's forensic skills. You also have extensive contacts in the LA underworld, and legal knowledge. Director Vance would like to offer you the position of Private Contracted Consultant to the NCIS Office of Special Projects."_

"So what would this position entail?" I questioned, trying to play it cool and undecided. Kens however was so happy at the idea she was almost twitching. Sam and Callen had looks of approval and satisfaction on their faces. Nell was positively beaming, Eric gave me two thumbs up, and Granger had his usual sour look, like he had just sucked the world's largest lemon.

"Basically the same thing you have been doing. You would still be attached to Agent Callen's team, and you would still the Liaison for the LAPD." Craig was on a roll. He was definitely more explanatory than the NCIS higher ups that I was used to. "In addition you would occasionally be required to work with the legal department of NCIS. However LAPD could not pull you back in, unless it is as a witness or to file a report for a case you have already worked with them. No more long term undercover operations with the LAPD for you. There would be a significant raise in pay as well. Not quite as much as you made for those few days as an actual NCIS agent, but substantially more than as a detective for the LAPD. By the way HR is quite miffed at you for the amount of extra hours and paperwork your short tenure as an agent has entailed." I snorted, glad that someone else had a buttload of paperwork. Trying doing reports for both NCIS and LAPD, now that was a lot of paperwork.

"Wow. That is an awesome offer." I wasn't kidding; it was almost everything I wanted. Throw in a guarantee that Kensi and I would stay partners and I would have given Director Vance anything he wanted. "But Kensi and I need to discuss something's before I agree." Kens was staring at me like I had suddenly grown a second and third head. I just looked back into her eyes, and then she nodded, she understood there were something's we needed to talk about prior to me coming back to work at NCIS. Like how one of us would handle it when the other had to seduce a suspect, she didn't handle it well the last time I had to it. Of course I am not exactly the smoothest at concealing my jealousy when it comes to Kens either. Sam's offer of helping came to the forefront of my thoughts, how did he and Michelle handle that type of thing? He had seduced Jada Khaled, and she had kissed Sidirov in front of Sam. We needed to talk to those two to get a handle on it, otherwise one of us was going to get the other hurt or killed, we had been lucky so far.

"Yes, Director Vance figured that would be the case. He also wants to inform you that should you accept the offer, your partnership will not be dissolved." It was all I could do not sign the papers right then and there. But I had to get some stuff off of my chest, and we needed to figure this out, because just being Kensi's partner on the job wasn't enough anymore. I had to come home to her every night, or I honestly didn't think life would be worth living. I had already experienced over three months of hell away from Kensi, what we had now was more than I had ever dreamed possible. "Speaking of which, is it Agent Blye or Deeks now? I realize that you didn't exactly have a chance to file the proper paperwork before your reassignment." That was directed at Kensi.

"Maybe I was thinking of taking her name." That got me a pinch in the ribs. But the looks on everyone's faces was worth it.

"I hadn't really thought about it." Kensi sent me a glare that promised a lively discussion later, hopefully with lots of making out at the very least. "Off the clock, I am Kensi Deeks. On the clock, let's wait and see what Deeks decides. If he comes back, I'll probably stay with Blye; do we really need two Deeks around here?"

"Well it would save time and effort if we only had to call you both of with a single name." Nell had that urchin like grin that served her so well in the field.

"I don't know. We could always end up with the wrong Deeks. As much as Deeks is method, I just don't think he can pull off a little black dress and high heels." Callen had a point. I could do Sven the Fabulous, but cross dressing was just a little farther than I wanted to go method.

"I am sorry, I just have to ask." Craig stepped back in to the conversation. "Why do you call your husband by his last name? Why not Marty, or Martin?"

Kensi looked back at me. "Honestly that is who he is. Deeks. Always have, always will. He just is." It was taking all my willpower to keep from blushing at the emotions she was putting into those words.

"Well, until Mr. Deeks makes his decision your team will still be on a stand down, Agent Callen unless there is a national emergency." Craig paused. "I don't have to tell you that what has happened over the last few years with NCIS has put a black eye on our reputation. Some of those calling for the dissolution of the Office of Special Projects are calling for the complete and utter dissolving of the entire NCIS. That at the very least won't happen, but we need our best teams out there working, doing what they do best. So please don't think these changes are intended as a punishment. We are simply making these changes for appearances only." Craig turned around and went back to studying the monitor he was when we first entered. It was obvious we had been dismissed.

Even before we had hit the stairs, Kensi was ready for us to start talking. It was something I had noticed since she showed up at my, our doorstep last night. This was a new Kensi, one who had finally decided that I was what she wanted, and she was going to get it. Personally I found it not only extremely hot, but just a little bit on the frightening side of things. I simply shook my head, and then tilted it in the direction of the burn room. The conversation I wanted to have, I didn't want anyone else involved in, at least not yet, and the lobby and our bullpen was simply too crowded at the moment, plus there was the history of the two of us being interrupted by just about everybody who was ever worked with us.

Luckily the burn room wasn't being used, and actually looked like it had just been cleaned. Actually considering the individual who used this room the most, it was most likely vacuumed looking for evidence into the investigation into Hetty's recent decisions. I locked the door behind us. "So what do you think about the offer?" I spoke before Kens had a chance to. I think she was immediately going after me for not accepting the offer right then. I had done something like this before without thinking it through, and while that decision had led me to Kensi, some of the stuff along the way I wish had more knowledge and more say in things.

Kensi took a deep breath, obviously stopping and actually thinking about it. That was good, one the biggest issues we have had was letting our emotions overrule our train of thought. "It's a good offer. We stay partners, we get more money, you get the recognition you deserve. Something I am guilty of, taking you for granted, just as much as Callen and Sam." Those mismatched eyes bored into me. "But something is still bothering you isn't it?"

"Yeah, to me it gives Granger an even bigger excuse to use me when he doesn't want to sully the good name of NCIS." Kensi's body language showed me that she was remembered the assignment right before Sidirov decided to test a nuclear device in Mexico. "Which leads me to my next point, sometimes this job requires we seduce suspects or targets. How do we handle this issue of letting our jealousy cloud our judgment? If every time I have to get close to a female suspect for the job, you get pissed off and shut me out, the job is not worth it." It's a good thing I can read Kensi like a book; she thought I was laying the blame solely at her feet. "No, it's not just you that let's their emotions screw up a mission. I couldn't take a shot, and you got shipped off to Afghanistan. And then I was perfectly willing to torture a man to get information on your whereabouts." I had never used that word describing my interrogation of Sabatino, but in all honesty there was no other word for what I had done. Kensi hadn't thought about in that light. "Granger saw me do that. Would he be willing to use you to manipulate me into a situation where we need answers right then and there? What about our child? What am I capable of when it comes to you and our child's safety? That scares the shit of me Kens. It utterly terrifies me that someone can use the two of you to hold that much power over me."

"We'll figure it out. We always do." I am going to have that phrase made into the Deeks family motto, as far as I know I am the first person to have the surname Deeks. When I changed my name after graduation, I just threw a d in place of the g on the word geeks.

"But how? We're married, with a baby on the way. While both of us love a very, very dangerous job of keeping the world safe, so others can sleep soundly at night." I really wanted Kens to broach the subject of Sam and Michelle. If I brought it up, I wasn't sure if she would pull back behind her stubbornness, and her view that seeking help was a sign of weakness. "I have to figure this out before I can say yes to Director Vance's offer."

"What if…. what if we asked Sam and Michelle how they do it?" To say that she surprised me right off the bat with where I wanted to go, was an understatement. But one of the things that made me love her so much it hurt was that being around Kensi was never, ever, boring. "They are very happy. They have a wonderful little girl and have built the life we both want. Despite having to work people like Jada Khaled and Sidirov. Besides, you and Sam have really gotten closer since last year. I think you would be more willing to talk to him than to likes of Nate. You two are more alike than you're willing to admit."

It was true that besides Kens, the one person I wanted desperately to accept me was Sam. I wish there had been another way besides being the test subject of Russian dentistry school rejects. "What about if we see if they're busy tonight?" At her nod, I invaded her personal space and kissed her. "Thank you." She had a quizzical expression on her face. "For wanting it this as much as I do."

As soon as we left the burn room, we headed back to the bullpen. I walked right over to where Sam was working on reports. "Hey Sam do you and Michelle have plans for tonight?" The look on Sam's face was enough to cause Kens to giggle.

"I never figured you'd want to double date with Sam, Deeks." Callen chortled. "Figured Eric and Nell would be more your type."

"No offense Callen, but bug off." Kens words held just a hint of anger as she spoke to the man she considered her older brother. "This is an area you don't exactly have any experience in."

Callen's gaze swept back and forth between the three of us. "Oh sorry." Then he paused with a look of extreme concentration. "Wait a minute, I was married before."

"For an operation G. Not for the next fifty years of your life." How I kept my knees from folding when Kens said that, I have no idea.

"Um, not that I am aware of." Sam wasn't expecting his offer to be taken so soon, but he was a big believer in honor, and he wasn't going to back down. "But why Michelle?"

"Because Sam you can help Deeks. But I don't think our situations are similar enough that you can help me." If I had shocked the two senior agents of our team when I told them Kens and I had eloped, Kensi had just hit them with a sledgehammer by admitting that she needed help.

"Let me call home." Sam was the first to recover. "What are you thinking about?"

"Dinner at my place. It's cleaner than Kensi's and I know where all my cooking stuff is located." If they were going to be helping, the least I could do was make them dinner. "Anything special I need to know about?"

"You can cook Deeks?" Callen sounded stunned still.

"Hell yes he can cook. Why do you think I married his scruffy ass?"

"I thought it was for…"

"Do not finish that sentence Deeks."

**Please tell me what you think even if you think it sucks. Constructive criticism is very helpful. While I do enjoy favorites and follows, I can't be sure if I am writing the characters correctly. So thanks for reading and please leave a review.**


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N Here's the next update. Thank you for all the reviews, favorites and follows. Thanks again to Bamie02 for being an excellent sounding board.**

**Disclaimer: Nothing in the bank account, so I don't own anything from NCIS LA**

_Previously on NCIS Los Angeles:_

_As soon as we left the burn room, we headed back to the bullpen. I walked right over to where Sam was working on reports. "Hey Sam do you and Michelle have plans for tonight?" The look on Sam's face was enough to cause Kens to giggle. _

"_I never figured you'd want to double date with Sam, Deeks." Callen chortled. "Figured Eric and Nell would be more your type."_

"_No offense Callen, but bug off." Kens words held just a hint of anger as she spoke to the man she considered her older brother. "This is an area you don't exactly have any experience in." _

_Callen's gaze swept back and forth between the three of us. "Oh sorry." Then he paused with a look of extreme concentration. "Wait a minute, I was married before."_

"_For an operation G. Not for the next fifty years of your life." How I kept my knees from folding when Kens said that, I have no idea._

"_Um, not that I am aware of." Sam wasn't expecting his offer to be taken so soon, but he was a big believer in honor, and he wasn't going to back down. "But why Michelle?"_

"_Because Sam you can help Deeks. But I don't think our situations are similar enough that you can help me." If I had shocked the two senior agents of our team when I told them Kens and I had eloped, Kensi had just hit them with a sledgehammer by admitting that she needed help._

"_Let me call home." Sam was the first to recover. "What are you thinking about?"_

"_Dinner at my place. It's cleaner than Kensi's and I know where all my cooking stuff is located." If they were going to be helping, the least I could do was make them dinner. "Anything special I need to know about?"_

"_You can cook Deeks?" Callen sounded stunned still._

"_Hell yes he can cook. Why do you think I married his scruffy ass?"_

"_I thought was for…"_

"_Do not finish that sentence Deeks."_

The rest of the day of the day went fairly smoothly, even if it brought back some very unpleasant memories. After holding numerous meetings with everybody who was available attached to the Office of Special Projects, Granger finally got his debrief on the whole rescue mission to Afghanistan. I found it annoying that despite the fact that Granger had been with us almost the entire time, he absolutely had to hear it in our own voices as opposed to just reading our reports.

Kensi got really troubled during everyone's detailing of my incident with Sabatino. I reached over and grabbed her hand, simply running my thumb over the back of it, all the while ignoring the looks from the others at the obvious show of affection. What has happened over the last year, changes a person, and anyone who says that it doesn't was extremely lucky to have never been in such a situation. The others would just have to deal with it. As long as it didn't interfere with an operation or a case, and we kept it professional they would have no place to gripe. Besides she had done the same thing not much earlier when I heard in her own words about why she slipped out of Camp Chapman and allowed herself to get captured by the Taliban. It wasn't the greatest idea I had ever heard of, but it did allow her to get close enough to the White Ghost to kick his ass and capture him. I also found that Kens wasn't making it up when she had told me she was the funniest one over there, Booker wouldn't know a joke if it hit him.

Michelle had been able to find a babysitter for the night, actually Nell had volunteered when she learned of the request Kens and I had made. It helped that we had at least one cheerleader in our camp, though I am pretty sure Sam was on our side as well. Part of me wanted to know what it was that Velma had said to my wife last night, but on the other hand, I had enough on my plate at the moment. There were no special instructions for dinner, so I was going to make chicken parmesan.

"So what you're saying is that you are our very own Emeril? "Callen has always had a hard time believing that I am a lawyer, so why would I be surprised that he questions my cooking skills.

"I would say he is more Gianna de Laurentiis than Emeril." Of course Kens was never one to let my ego get too big.

"Hey, I am still right here you know."

"It's only because you really are a wonderful Italian cook." Kens paused; I just knew by the twinkle in her eyes the next part was going to be painful. "That and you are pretty delicate."

"Sensitive, not delicate. Say it with me. Sensitive." I just grinned at her; this was what I had missed so much.

"I would have thought you would be one step above Kens, able to boil water without starting a fire." Callen was a brave man as he was sitting beside Kensi when he said that, either that or Callen was being very, very stupid.

"Oh My God Callen. His spinach chicken white lasagna is to die for." Nell entered the bullpen, sounding like she was acting a scene from When Harry Met Sally. "And his chocolate chip pancakes, it's like heaven." I wasn't entirely sure, but Nell might have been drooling, and Callen seemed utterly fascinated by her display.

Kensi however was not amused at all. "Wait a minute, how do you know what his chocolate chip pancakes taste like?" The gaze she speared me with made me want to curl up in the fetal position beneath my desk.

"He made it for supper one night Kens." Why Kens went all greened eyed monster over Nell I have no idea. She is my little sister for crying out loud.

"But pancakes are for breakfast."

"I was tired. It was a long day of tracking these two through the streets of LA because they blew up their car." Just from the looks I got from Sam and Callen told me they were going to pay me back. "Pancakes are simple and easy."

"So besides being a lawyer, a chef, and convincing Kensi to marry you without the rest of us catching on, is there anything else we need to know about." Callen was looking at me with what someone would almost say was awe.

From the look in Kensi's eye, I just knew she was going to say something about Touching Wood or even worse my experience as an exotic dancer. Nell however stepped up to save me. "Well Deeks is a licensed helicopter pilot." Sam, Callen and Kensi all turned to stare at me, while I turned to look dumbfounded at Nell, who at least had the grace to look bashful for pulling off a Hetty signature move. "He's qualified in mostly the Bell 206 and 407 series."

"When were you going to tell your wife that you could fly a helicopter, dear?" I winced at the inflection that Kensi put into that word.

"Maybe I was saving it for our honeymoon?" Kens snorted. I knew I was going to have to make it up to her, and started to reach for my not so secret stash of Twinkies.

"Oh I have a better way for you to make it up to me." Was I about to get my ass kicked in sparring match with a pregnant woman? "What about a private performance, just you and your violin nothing else?" Yes this brazen new Kensi was more than a little frightening and oh so totally hot.

Callen was gagging at that the thoughts Kens suggestion put into his mind. "Hold on. You can play the violin?" At my nod, he just sat back thoughtful. "So a lawyer, a chef, a helicopter pilot, one hell of an agent, don't even try and say you're just a cop Deeks, we all know that's not true and it's time we acknowledge it and you play the violin? Damn."

"Told you we have underestimated Deeks for a long time, G." Sam sounded uncomfortable in admitting that.

Kens saw it, too and decided to bring mocking and teasing me back to the front of the conversation. "Well he also…."

"That information is need to know Kensilina, and they don't need to know."

*******NCIS LA*******

After a quick stop at the grocery store to pick up the ingredients I needed, Ken and I swung by her place for her to grab a couple of days' worth of clothes. We really needed to figure out where we were going to end up living, simply because having to pay rent on two places seem not to make much financial sense. Though there was something to be said about the security of having two separate places to live at that, I think Sam would have approved of.

Kens wanted to help, but much as Callen had said earlier, and what I had learned when we were undercover as Melissa and Justin, Kensi's domestic skills in the kitchen leave a lot to be desired. Actually all of Kens' domestic skills leave a lot to be desired; unless you're fond of the purple people associated Barney the dinosaur with. But just having her around, the two of us bantering, and the newest aspect of our relationship, Kens was hugging me a lot more since we last night, made it worth it. Oh she still showed her affection and annoyance through punches, but more than a few times she just walked up and wrapped her arms around me for no other reason than just to do it. And she actually held me hand in the grocery store. That was a major step, because public displays of affection weren't really Kensi.

Before we knew it, there came a knock at the door. Eric had swung by earlier to grab Monty for us, Sam was not overly fond of my, our dog, and there was no reason to make him uncomfortable. Kens went to let Sam and Michelle in, as I was still putting the finishing touches on the salad.

The main course still had sometime left, so I went into say hi, as soon as I left the kitchen, Michelle walked up, hugged me and kissed my cheek. "I never got to say more than a simple thank you for what you did, Martin." If only she realized that what I went through was just to keep Kensi safe, as she watching Michelle's back. "No I am serious. Not only in the damn body shop and on the helipad did you save our lives, but you saved Sam's life at the mansion. Without a thought for yourself. I can never begin to repay you." Sam just nodded; we had a similar conversation in my hospital room, while Kens looked like she was tearing up. Michelle glanced at Kensi and a small smile graced her lips. Luckily for me, the timer went off in the kitchen.

"Uh yeah, well why don't you guys sit down… and… I'll get the food. Yeah that's sounds good." I hate it when I get flustered. I wasn't deserving of the praise.

"Your husband's acting weird again." Sam acknowledgement of the change in Kensi and my relationship status was awesome.

"My husband is weird. One of the many things that is lovable about him." Though Sam's statement had nothing on what Kensi's words did to me. I got all the food on the table, with Kens' help and we sat down to eat, making small talk about what was going around us. It did surprise me, and I think Kensi as well, how much Michelle knew about what was happening with NCIS, even though she was CIA. It gave me more hope that we doing the right thing talking to Sam and Michelle, he obviously told Michelle more about what went on with the job, than he was supposed to.

"Damn, Deeks. This is really good." It was a little hard to understand Sam as his mouth was full, but I took the compliment. Kensi just smiled one of those I told you so smiles.

"Despite Sam's manners, this is really good." Michelle smiled, sending a sly glance towards Kensi. She knew. How did she know that we were expecting? Had to be a woman thing. I couldn't tell, but both Nell and Michelle had figured it out. Sam thankfully missed the look Michelle gave Kensi because he was stuffing his face. "You two should throw a celebratory dinner party."

Of course I had to panic. "What… what do we have… um have to celebrate?" I hate when I get flustered. Especially since I seem to do it only when I am around people I care about.

"Your wedding." Michelle gave me a grin. "You guys' safe return from Afghanistan, what else?"

Even before I opened my mouth Kensi had kicked me in the shin, a little harder than I thought was necessary. I barely managed to hide the wince. "Yeah, we didn't have a lot of time to tell the team. What do you think Princess?"

"Well, we could have a nice little reception." Kens smiled at the thought, though I don't think she was all that into the idea. We finished up, and got the table cleaned off. My living room isn't all that big, so we were going to have sit at the table.

The silence was starting to get awkward, Sam and Michelle were waiting on us to start talking. I was trying to figure out how to say what was in my mind when Kens spoke up. "How do you guys do it? How do you do your jobs and not let it affect your home?" I was liking this new Kensi more and more each moment. I never thought she would be the first one to speak up.

Sam and Michelle looked at each other. "It comes down to faith and trust. Faith that our love for each other is stronger than whatever emotions the job may bring up, trust that the other will always come home." Michelle was looking at Sam. "Did it hurt when I learned about Jada Khaled? Yes. I knew Sam slept with her, just as Sam knew I slept with Sidirov. But it simply doesn't matter, because I knew when all was said and done, that Sam would be coming home to me and Rachel, and she would never know the true Sam. Trust in Callen, in all of you guys to do whatever it takes to bring him home safe and sound. Yes I was scared witless when we were separated, and then lost contact with Sam and you Martin last year. But then I knew" Michelle pointed to her head and then to her heart. "Up here, and down here, that Sam would do everything in his power to stay alive until we found him." Now her gaze settled on mine. "And you didn't let me down, or prove me wrong did you Martin? You had a pretty good idea what would happen if you gave up your gun to save Sam from drowning and you did it anyway." Michelle tilted her head to look at Kens, and Kensi met her gaze. "In a way I am jealous of you Kensi." I don't think any of us were expecting that, judging from the looks on Kensi's and Sam's faces, I know I wasn't. "You two have something I can never have with Sam. You are partners both on the job and off. You have his back out there. I have only been with Sam on an operation twice. Most of the time I work alone."

"I am not going to lie." For someone who lied professionally, Sam was very hard line when it came to the truth with the people he cared about. "It makes it harder when the other has to seduce the target when you're backing them up. It was all I could do to keep from killing Sidirov right there when he and Michelle were making out." I didn't know Sam had seen that. "But I also knew that if I did anything, not only were Michelle and I most likely dead, but whole lot of innocent people were going to get hurt or worse."

"That's what I need to learn how to do when it comes to Kensi." I whispered, seeing Sabtino's face as I threatened to put a bullet into each of his major joints.

"Deeks, you got to stop beating yourself up over that, man." Sam knew exactly what I was thinking, and I could tell Kensi knew as well, as she reached over and grabbed my hand. "It happens. Sabatino is a bad guy. Much worse than those two LA Sheriff Deputies I put in the hospital last year when I lost it." I looked up at Sam. "Yeah right after your excursion in the sauna, I broke out of jail, put two guys in the hospital, and damn near compromised the mission to put Michelle back in with Sidirov. It happens. When it does, you have to go with the flow, something you are a master at Deeks. Emotions play a role in everything we do, unless your Hetty or Granger. But you do really want to end up like them? Cold, calculating, lonely? Even G for all his training let's his emotions get out of control from time to time." That thought gave me pause; Callen was much like me, a lone wolf. Both of our upbringings weren't exactly conducive to placing down roots.

"Trusting the other is the biggest factor." Michelle looked back over Kensi. "You have to be secure that he will never leave you. And that's your biggest fear isn't Kensi?"

Kens simply nodded. "Losing Dad was hard enough, Jack leaving broke me, but Deeks? If you ever left me Deeks, it would kill me." A tear slipped down her cheek, and I knew she wanted to say something about stupid hormones, but Sam was right here.

Michelle gave a coy grin and reached out and grabbed Kens hand. "Honey, I knew you two were madly in love the first time I met you. That man right there isn't going to leave you for anything. Sam has told me some of the stuff you two have done and how you act when the other is in danger. Martin even went into Afghanistan, a place he had no business going to, to be by your side."

"You two are some of the strongest willed people I know. You are perfect for each other." Sam was looking back and forth between Kensi and I. "The changes I have seen since you have been partners, only shows that you compliment and need each other. And if anyone can make it work it is you two. You just need trust, faith and little hope doesn't hurt."

**Please tell me what you think even if you think it sucks. Constructive criticism is very helpful. While I do enjoy favorites and follows, I can't be sure if I am writing the characters correctly. So thanks for reading and please leave a review.**


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N Here you go. Enjoy. Again thank you for all the reviews, favorites and follows.**

**Again Thanks to Bamie02 for being the best sounding board in the world.**

**Enjoy, and Thank You for Reading.**

**Disclaimer: Nothing in the bank account, so I don't own anything from NCIS LA**

_Previously on NCIS Los Angeles:_

"_Trusting the other is the biggest factor." Michelle looked back over Kensi. "You have to be secure that he will never leave you. And that's your biggest fear isn't Kensi?"_

_Kens simply nodded. "Losing Dad was hard enough, Jack leaving broke me, but Deeks? If you ever left me Deeks, it would kill me." A tear slipped down her cheek, and I knew she wanted to say something about stupid hormones, but Sam was right here._

_Michelle gave a coy grin and reached out and grabbed Kens hand. "Honey, I knew you two were madly in love the first time I met you. That man right there isn't going to leave you for anything. Sam has told me some of the stuff you two have done and how you act when the other is in danger. Martin even went into Afghanistan, a place he had no business going to, to be by your side."_

"_You two are some of the strongest willed people I know. You are perfect for each other." Sam was looking back and forth between Kensi and I. "The changes I have seen since you have been partners, only shows that you compliment and need each other. And if anyone can make it work it is you two."_

After Sam and Michelle left, Kensi and I needed to unwind and process what had and was happening. If ever there was a discussion made to have beers in hand, this was it. However Kens couldn't have any, and if she couldn't I wasn't. The TV was on in the background, but honestly I couldn't tell you what was on, my mind was going a mile a minute, I wasn't sure how long the offer from Director Vance was remaining on the table, and I didn't want to push my luck, because honestly it was everything I wanted at NCIS. I would be able to stay Kensi's partner on the job, while working with an extremely talented group of people who were closer to me than my own blood relatives had ever been. I had finally found a place where I belong.

"I can you hear you thinking." Kensi was lying on the couch, her feet in my lap. "Actually I think I can smell the smoke coming out of your ears."

"I am just trying to figure out, if it's in our best interest for me to take the offer. We haven't exactly been professional at times." Everything that had happened in the past does bother me.

"Well, most of the times it has been pretty one sided, I will say that." She sat up and scooted around to sit cross legged next to me. "It's not just you. I have done some pretty stupid things as well when it comes to you. Ava, Starr, and of course Monica every single one of those cases I treated you like crap because I was jealous. I don't think I was willing to even acknowledge how much our thing had changed until the moment I found you in that body shop, and then when you closed off, wouldn't let me in, it hurt." I hadn't wanted anybody to see me like that, least of all Kensi. "But I knew I had to try. Because I knew then I couldn't keep living with regrets of what could have been." Thoughts of being in that chair brought back visions of Sabatino's bloody mouth from when I had backhanded him.

"But if I lose myself because of the job is it worth it?" I honestly wasn't sure if I said that out loud it was so quiet.

"Were you even listening during dinner?" Kens sounded exasperated. "Even Sam loses it from time to time. I guarantee that had situations been reversed, had Michelle been missing, had Sam been trying to get information from someone like Sabatino, Sam would not have let you stop him. I know you're scared, so am I. But what we have is so much more than I have ever imagined. I am willing to try and find a balance."

"That's not what you said in the firing range." The tears falling down her cheeks as Kensi told me that I was what she wanted most in life and it was destroying her was one of the worse sights I have ever seen.

"That was before I had to sit in a damn car, with no way of backing you up, out of contact with you and all you had was a knife while surrounded by a bunch of goons with some serious hardware. I realized that both of us where in this together. I should have said something when Callen decided to split us up. Sending you alone with Thapa into that airport while the three of us were on that hillside sunbathing was stupid." At my grin, Kensi smacked me in the shoulder. "Mind out of the gutter Deeks, we were too far away to give the backup needed. Hell, I should have put a bullet through that asshole's skull the moment he opened fire on you. There was no operational point for how that was handled. It's one thing to send you in when I am on overwatch to back up Callen and Sam. That mission at the airport was another thing entirely."

"I am sorry. You need to give me a minute. The image of you in a bikini holding a sniper rifle is so smoking hot." That got me a blush as opposed to another punch, so I just leaned forward and kissed her. "Not the first time I was hung out to dry. Probably won't be the last." I shrugged.

"If I have anything to say about it, it will be. That's part of what I mean by finding a balance Deeks." Kensi paused, I could tell from her eyes she wasn't happy about what she was going to say next. "There were times I should have said or done something over how you were treated. The teasing and mocking is one thing. But treating you different because you weren't an agent? That is one area where I haven't always had your back."

"The same could be said of me." I absolutely hated it when Hetty and Callen had come to me with the idea of getting me back into Bates' good graces during the Clarence Fisk case. "I could have said something when I faked that accidental shooting. When I had to find the mole in the LAPD."

"Deeks, as much as that hurt, I can understand it. It was for a case and I had to be the selling point." What that had done to our partnership, took a few weeks to heal.

"Well, we should have had faith in your undercover skills. You are more than a honeytrap." It was true. My wife was capable of improvising fairly well, and had one more than one occasion completely shocked me on her ability to sell her cover. "And a forensics expert. And a sniper. And a horrible driver. And a Twinkie junkie."

"Now you're just flirting with me." Her smile could light up a room. "And you're deflecting again. We need to communicate Deeks, otherwise we're both going to be unhappy and this is not going to work. This job takes a toll on us. But we do it for so that others don't have to. But I can't imagine either of us doing anything else. You were right last night." Did Kensi just admit that I was right? "Having you to help deal with whatever the day has brought is something I didn't realize I was missing until the night you showed up at my doorstep with beers after the King case. Even if it's just beer or ice cream watching reality TV, it helps. Now we have so much more. I made you promise me that you wouldn't die on me. I am making a promise to you. I won't let you become the monster you see yourself as. What you did in over there was my fault and my fault alone." Her gaze dropped to her hands in her lap.

"No it isn't, Kensi." I reached out and gently cupped her chin. "I forgive you for doing what you did. I get it. I may not like how you did it, but you are sitting here with me, and he is… well he is wherever the Marshalls took him. But you didn't make the decision to be reassigned. You haven't let me think that this was all my fault. Hell, I still don't know if the fact I couldn't take the shot or something else I did was what made Hetty separate us."

"I wish I knew as well. I was over there for three days, and not a single person knew why I was there. It was like somebody had flipped a coin and just decided I needed to go over there. Not until Granger showed up, and told me that I was brought in as a sniper for the White Ghost; that I had any idea of what was going on. Then Hetty sent me the Sat phone and just happens to mention there was a mole in the taskforce. All of a sudden, I had two missions and nobody to rely on." Kensi was tense, and I couldn't blame her. It was rough for me and at least I had Sam, Callen, Nell, Eric, Nate and even Hetty to fall back on. Kensi was all alone over there with only Granger and Sabatino as familiar faces. "When I looked around me, at the other team members, I realized just how out of place I was. I had the skills, yes but I didn't have the experience for an operation of that supposed magnitude. And then I saw his face through my scope, and I couldn't take the shot Deeks. I couldn't do it. If it had been somebody I didn't know, I could have taken the shot, but with him I couldn't do it."

"Kensi, I get it. I really do." I had to still my racing thoughts. No longer did I have the thoughts that she chose Jack Simon over me, and the fact that she had not used his name helped a lot, but what and how I said my next words needed to be done carefully. "You needed to know what was going on, and you weren't getting the information you needed to make the clearest decision."

"Ok I'll give you that. But I should have told Granger that I recognized the White Ghost. But instead I let my emotions cloud my judgment, snuck off base and let myself get captured to get the information. So you came to rescue me, and now you are doubting yourself and That. Is. My. Fault. Deeks. What you did, was because of my choices." The guilt in her eyes and on her face was tearing at my heartstrings. "So I won't let that happen ever again. I will not let you or we get burned because of something I do." Unshed tears glistened in those mismatched eyes that have always fascinated me.

I pulled Kensi into my arms and she rested her head on my shoulder. "Ok. Ok. I've got you. I'll accept the offer. I could never ask you to quit NCIS, and this way I'll always have my baby's mama's back."

"Really? That's what you're going to call me now?" I could feel a slight smile. "Not wifey? Not love of my life?"

"Fern, I just try not to be repetitive here, Sugarbear. Besides it just seemed to fit, seeing as we did make a mutant ninja assassin. Still a little shocked I have to say, it was only one night."

"Yeah but it was four times in one night. Though I guess we should have slowed down the first time though."

"I thought you said you were on the pill. Are you regretting being pregnant?" I know I hadn't been exactly enthused when Kensi told me about the baby, but I was coming around.

"No I am not. It's just so sudden. When you asked me if I wanted to elope, I never thought we would be where we are right now. Yeah I wanted give you kids, just not this soon. If the changes at OSP weren't enough, now it's starting to feel like I am never getting back into the field again. And that bothers me." Despite all the hardships, being at NCIS was just part of who Kensi is. Whether it was laying on a rooftop with a rifle in hand, or dressing up to play bait for some whack job, it was hard for even me to see Kensi as giving that up. "And then there's the part of how in about 5 months from now there is going to be this little person, this little human being who is going to need me for everything. Me, little miss Suzy Homemaker I am not. I can't even cook Deeks. That terrifies me." Yeah, I could definitely relate to that.

"I know I didn't handle it well when you told me about Little Deeks. But you're not in this alone. I am not going anywhere." Having children was something I had always wanted, and to be perfectly honest, after meeting Kensi I couldn't see having them with anyone else, but the last year had certainly put a damper on things. "You know, if you can have faith that I will not turn into my father, I can have faith that you can handle this. We'll figure it out, we always do." Apparently that was the right thing to say, she almost instantly relaxed against me. "So are we telling the rest of the team soon?"

"What do you mean the rest of the team?" Wait a minute? Had Kens seen or did something that I didn't know about?

"Well Nell told me congratulations, and Michelle certainly hinted that she knew. So I think we can cross Sam and Eric off the list of those who don't know." I instantly regretted whatever it was I was trying to say as Kensi's head came off my shoulder to stare at me with a look of incredulous exasperation.

"Really? You think that we women just sit around and gossip about things that are not any of our business to tell? That if for instance I would tell you if Nell was pregnant?" I must have really shocked her because I didn't even get a punch to the shoulder. "Nell is not going to say anything without my permission, and even though Michelle and Sam talk a lot about things, she not going to say anything to him. She was trying to get you to say something tonight, but she is not telling Sam about this."

"Damn. I was hoping it would give time for Sam to cool down, so he didn't kill me for getting you pregnant the next time he sees me." The thought of what Sam and Callen were going to do to me was exactly intended to help me sleep at night.

"Sam isn't going to kill you. He'll be happy. If anything this will bring you closer together."

"Says you. You're their favorite."

"What can I say? People like my sunny personality." I couldn't help the snort that came out of my mouth. "Sam isn't going to do anything, now Callen on the other hand…" Her voice trailed off.

"Thanks a lot." Despite our similar childhoods, Callen and I didn't see eye to eye. In fact I still can't help but think he still questioned my ability to do the job after being tortured even after all this time. Of course my hiding things about myself probably didn't help matters at all.

"It will be fine. I've got your back. Even pregnant I can still kick his ass, if needed. Plus he knows how well I can shoot." Even as I cringed at the images of paper targets with bullet holes in the groin area, I could tell she was enjoying how uncomfortable I was.

"So we're telling the team then?"

"Well it's not like I am going to be able to hide it much longer. It does affect the team, and with all secrets and darkness that has been going on, we need to bring something good out of this." Somewhere along the way she had grabbed my hand and had them gently resting on her stomach.

"In the morning then?" I tried to sound enthused, but I think I failed.

"Yes, in the morning, right after you accept the offer." Her demeanor changed, and she got a look in her eye that I was really beginning to like. "Enough talking. Shut up and kiss me." That I could do.

**Please tell me what you think even if you think it sucks. Constructive criticism is very helpful. While I do enjoy favorites and follows, I can't be sure if I am writing the characters correctly. So thanks for reading and please leave a review.**


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